"-holic" Frolic

We all have different kinds of stuff that keeps us hooked unconsciously. I believe that to truly fight the urges of having too much of what isn't supposedly the safe amount, we have to accept to ourselves the true nature of what we have become. So here are my few addiction.

1st addiction:
This was waaaaay back. I was a kid then. My life revolved around food. I mean, I was fat then....obese fat! The mere thought of losing weight sounded so crazy. Food was my only friend. It was my only escape to feeling bad about myself. Whenever I think of my weight, I say to myself--"Think of the FOOD man!". I was a food-a-holic!!!

2nd addiction:
To get rid of my addiction to food, I tried so many things in-order to forget about it. So I started working-out. And it did the job all right. I lost millions of pounds and I was able to fit into pants that were sold on boutiques! Yeah that was one helluva experience the first time I bought a pair of pants that were sized 30. *Sniff-sniff*. But then I missed the whole point of my working-out that it was getting pretty unhealthy. I would work-out early in the morning then at in the afternoon then at evening just before going to bed. I totally stopped eating because I thought that it was ruining my sessions. I think this might count as a work-a-holic.

3rd Addiction:
It was not until I looked like a junkie that I was able to stop. I quit working-out and made myself busy by trying to hook-up with as many women as I could get. I mean, hey they tend to keep me busy from working-out or eating too much. And for a while it worked. But where could I get as many women as I could? Answer: Bars and Clubs. Unfortunately, something else occupied most of my time. Alcohol--yes booze! For a year and 2 months, I couldn't be go on a day without atleast a bottle of cold, cold beer. When my craving was ultimately too much to control, I finally accepted the fact that I had become an alcoholic.

4th Addiction:
I had a hard time figuring out how to cure myself of the disease brought to me by all the drinking. It was very difficult. I had no other solutions. I spend almost all my allowance on just booze. So what I did? I had to get rid of my money. My only solution was to spend it all--shopping. Sadly it did get out of control again. Suddenly I was spending too much on useless stuff. I buy too much dvds and I don't even watch them, I buy too many clothes most of which I don't even wear, I buy lots and lots of crazy things which now doesn't even make sense anymore. I went out shopping too much like a woman! It was getting pretty scary. I was a shop-a-holic.

The bad thing is I went back to my first addiction to cure my 4th addiction. And then I'm gonna have to got thru my 2nd addiction to get rid of the 1st! I am going round and round till I find a solution to all these four. Its crazy I know. But what can I do!?! I badly need help. Stuff like these are one of those in life that you can't seem to make sense out of. It is crazy to let a situation get out-of-hand but the question is, when do you know its becoming an addiction? Sometimes you can't even accept the fact that it is an addiction. I am very thankful though that I haven't been into the worst kind of addiction--drugs. Still, I think my issues are bad enough.
Situations like these are just way beyond our control. These are the times when I wish I have the guts to trust in God and just pray for help. But my philosophy sometimes contradicts that. I mean you cannot just rely on everything to God. I believe in the saying that, "God helps those who help themselves". I just don't know if I have done everything to help myself. Thus I go on trying to figure out a way to conquer these things that eat me empty.

Holden at 20

I missed reading books. So I got myself a treat yesterday by going to the bookstore and getting me a new book. Actually it ain't new at all, its a classic. "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. It had been recommended to me numerous times already. I was really curious why.
It took me less than a day to read...and PHEW...what a boring book. Atleast that's what I thought at first. I mean, I hated the way the character, Holden Caulfield, kept repeating what he said. But after getting used to it midway thru the book, everything got more interesting.
Its really a book about what goes on in the head of Holden, a 1st class fuck-up. After being axed from his third school, he suddenly goes into a phase wherein he had to go soul searching. Well there wasn't much of a search rather than clearing his head up from what troubled him.
I was surprised with the similarity of what goes on in his life with mine. Depression really gets the best out of you. With each trouble he comes face-to-face with, he runs away from it as this was his solution of problems. Somehow he never likes anything at all, and he tries to find the fault in everything and everyone just to justify his acts. Calling everyone a phony and all. That's all me! Do I just love escaping the 'real world'...
What I loved about his personality was how caring he was with his brothers, one of them specially--Allie, who passed away at the age thirteen. It was also very touching the closeness he had with his younger sister, Phoebe Caulfield.
Phoebe is my favorite character in the book. She's such an adorable angel. Very innocent and smart. She's the baby sister I never had!:D I don't know why, but I know three Phoebe's...of course only one in real person, and the other two characters from a tv sitcom and a book. But all seem so bubbly and cheery. Maybe I'd be calling my future-daughter by that name. Its such a "fun" one. Unlike the name Holden...too boring.
Here's a line I loved from the book. It came as an advice from Holden's former teacher Mr. Antolini. "The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." This he claims, came from a psycho-analyst named Wilhelm Stekel.
As I read the book, I was amazed at how it almost resembled my life and thoughts. Well, I guess some books are just meant to be written for certain people. And this one surely was meant for me. In fact, I am beginning to love the book (its the kind that you'd love after reading and not while reading!), I bought a movie just because it was about a man who became obsessed with it. I think the movie is about John Lennon's killer, I don't know coz I haven't seen it yet. It stars Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan entitled Chapter 27. FYI, the book has 26 chapters!:D

Speaking of movies, books, and obsession, I saw a movie yesterday that embodies those three. Starring Jim Carrey, entitled The Number 23. This movie I highly recommend to the fans of the actor, to those with obsession with numbers ( such as SHARI and her 11:11!), but definitely not to movie critics. Its a psycho-thriller about a guy who became obsessed with the number 23 after reading about a book that was similar with his life. Very freaky. Heads-Up to Jim Carrey's acting and the writers and director's creativity. Love it!

"You can't have enough of FRIENDS"

I believe a person can be a combination of many people. As for my analysis of myself, I find in me traits of 6 people. This is what I have gathered so far after all those times of search...or I guess from watching too much F.R.I.E.N.D.S.! So which "friend" am I? Let's take a look...

I am part Ross Geller. Why? I guess I could say I am, *ahem ahem*, intelligent, highly emotional (which I shouldn't be so proud of!), and romantic. Yes I could be romantic when I want to! Oh, and sometimes I just talk too much about stuff I do which I am sure at most times nobody listens to or even cares. Still, that's a good thing. Plus, I do get my fair share of the ladies...unlike Mr. Bing.

And there's Phoebe Buffay. Just like her, I am a positive thinker...in my own kind of way. I love music just as she does, and yes, I think we are both bad at singing!:D Oh, and in my family, I am the massuese! Her sense of bohemian living...that's just me! I am not a vegetarian but I don't eat beef, so I guess we could count that in.

To start it with, I have a weird name. In my country that is. Not as interesting as Chandler Bing though. In school, some people still call me Adrian Tamayo. No, it doesn't have anything to do with my hand-writing. There are instances that when they hear I am a Muslim, they call me Abdul or Mohammad. They just assume that's my name! I mean, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!?! There's also the thing about bad jokes...I am always on fire with that one. Here's something we share...we are both "observers of everyone's life--especially our own!" But then I forgot why that's a good thing.

Rachel Greene? Well, I love fashion. Sometimes I am this completely obnoxious person who, at times, are mean than that of the right amount of which I should be. Still I care too much of my friends. And yes, I try to learn on life's lessons. So pretty much same as hers.

I used to be fat. That sums up to Monica Geller. Enough said.

Lastly, Joey Tribbiani completes my being. Hey, I know what you're thinking, that's not what I meant!!! Aside from wanting to be Al Pacino... I love pizza, women, the city, women, movies, women, and lastly (and most importantly!), MYSELF.

Random

Summer vacation has finally come. Whew...school has nothing but pure torture with a capital 'T'. Its been a crazy school year and I think my grades would be as crazy. But right now I wouldn't wanna think about that.

Some of my friends graduated yesterday. Man, do I envy them. To think of it though...a lot more complicated problems they'd be facing. Fresh grad in other words mean unemployed. So bumming for a while just to cherish that little time of freedom is what separates them from the watchful eyes of the society...or might even be life's own. Goodluck guys.

Congratulations to my sis Jehanie Edenisa Tamano-Mustari!:) She just graduated yesterday too. I am so proud of her. She has always been one of my heroes. Why? There are a lot of reasons...but here's my favorite one...Its because of the way she treats me as if I was still that little boy. God I miss being a kid.

Been watching a lot of movies lately. I highly recommend RENT. Its another one of those bohemian musicals. Just watch it and you'll know why its good. Oh and don't believe people who say that 300 is a great movie. Sorry to tell you guys, but it totally sucks. Yeah cool graphics, but the story's just L-A-M-E!!!

Here's another thing I've learned. The word goodbye is such a killer. I've seen family, friends and lovers suffer from it. Its always better saying it to someone than being the one bid adieu to.

Here's a line that I totally love...Reality is different from actuality. So true.

Music...for those who loves house music/techno/rave, another recommendation from me are the songs Put Your Hands Up for Detroit and This Is Not Miami. Talk about club music. Just can't get enough of it.

As for my little fame, its finally dying out. After 2 weeks of being on tv, I am out of the limelight. And all that remains is the t-shirt freebie I got. Yesterday was the last show which had the segment of the whole thingy. So I guess, that's about it for my career in television. LOL:) AS IF.

How am I feeling today: I am tired, suffering from a hang-over, hungry...yet, still happy. Not fulfilled but satisfied. :)

Till then...gotta go, cheerio. Be cool.

Whatever Goes

Yesterday was fun too. I know I've spoken about not topping the fun I had on february 23. Indeed that can't be beaten. But yesterday was fun in a different way. Me and my teammates from the SIRAJ's Amazing Race went to the beach for some get-together. I love the beach...its relaxing ambience makes everything seem so serene even with the noise of the splashing waves and crowd all over. So there, I still am capable of having fun.:)

Here's a little friendly advice...if you want to have fun, don't try too hard.

Sunsets are so over-rated when it comes to romantic settings. Seeing couples doing their thing is a pretty common scene... and still people fall for it. That's the kind of image I want to leave behind. Nope, not romantic. To be over-rated is better than being good at something but never be noticed.

I miss people and I hope people miss me too. This is one proof that life is temporary. People come and go. Sometimes you get lucky and still be able to find those people who you have long lost track of. Most of the time you never will. Before they become blurred memories, let them know that one day you'll miss them.

I haven't been spending too much time at home this past few days. Been walking around a lot lately. I just love getting tired. I need to get this motivation set to a good thing. Otherwise I'd just have bulging muscle on my legs.

Thinking of shifting to a new course. I'm done proving myself to others. Yes, parents are other. They are not me. I just came from them, just a part of them. But I am something different. We all are. So this time I need to prove something to myself. I still don't know my self-worth. Lol.:) No I am not going to sell myself.

I promised to always say how I feel. As of the moment, I am still happy. But still I feel empty.

February 23rd- My Official "SPECIAL DAY"

Man was last night a blast. It might be the best party ever thrown for me. I mean who can do better in throwing parties than a TV station!? Yes you heard me. Studio23 threw me a party. Somehow I still can't believe last night did happen.
So how did it start? Well, first of all, I love watching a lot of tv. Maybe that's where I got this personality of mine. I am a certified couch potato. My tv's on 24/7. And yes it did amount to something good.:>

Anyways, I saw this promo at Studio23 about them throwing a party for whoever has the best entry about one's circle of friends. I didn't know what I was thinking, I joined the contest. Amazingly, I won. And after much thought...it's actually the first time I won something worth...well...something. I guess only the people who have the same fate as I do understands the whole deal of never winning anything as precious. It was pretty special for me.
And there was I again...the exhilirating, exhausting, painful wait for the day given. Ugh. I am for one, very bad at being patient. But I survived the wait. Yes I did. And that surprised me too.
Friday night came. My phone kept ringing because of calls from the marketing specialist of the station. Yup...after that impatient wait, me and my friends were actually late! When we arrived we were greeted by this cheery (and surprisingly young) woman who happens to be the lady who'd been calling me...oh and was the one who chose my entry. We were to have dinner at a classy restaurant before we go clubbing.
Damn was I surprised when the sliding doors were opened and celebrities actually did the whole "SURPRISE" thingy! And to tell you the truth, that was also a first that I actually got that. I mean I never thought that on any occasion would I be opening doors to somewhere and people would do the thingy. And add celebrities to that matter. It sure is special to me.
While having dinner, it occured to me that these celebrities ARE people just like us. I mean they were really down-to-earth and all. It just so happens that they are, well, famous. But being a celebrity is just like being a doctor, lawyer, teacher and even janitor. It just a job...with good-pay and too much tv exposure. I actually felt sorry for them because after several hours of cameras stuck at my face, I was actually getting annoyed, what more of them. All they want is to have fun just like we do. So that's exactly what we did. We had fun WITH them, not BECAUSE of them. Pretty much, it was a give and take situation. They got drunk and all just like we did. It was a blast. Yes, it is a first for me to jam with celebrities. Therefore, special it is for both sides. We all ended up looking all wasted and foolish. That's the best part in partying.:>
This time I am really amazed as how life finally became friendly with me. This time its making me feel special. This time its giving me gifts. Maybe its because I put up with all its cruel jokes on me. I don't really know. Waking up today, I felt like everything was a dream. I thought none of them ever happened. But like I told Aine, "the memories would be treasured, if not forever then surely for a long long time." That's because it was so special.
Anyways, this is actually the part I thank everybody for everything...Studio23's Leo, Keby, Diane, Jc Cuadrado, Juddha Paolo, Atom, Patty, Manu, Imago's Tim, Zach, Aia and everyone else at ABS-CBN...THANK YOU VERY MUCH. And to that special woman who made it happen for me...Aine Reyes, the Marketing Specialist, I really don't know how to start thanking you. Love you guys and keep up the good work.

Family Matters

"Staying home on a Friday night?" the chinese dude who owned the store just below my pad asked as I was paying for the pack of cigarettes. I threw him a smile.

For some reason today, I feel pretty home-sick. I miss my dad. I miss our tennis games, our trips to Baskin Robbins. I miss my mom. I miss her shouts. I miss her cooking. I miss my sister Jehan. I miss her hugs of comfort. I miss my brother Amir. I miss his witty self. I miss my brother Waleed. I miss our long conversations. I miss my brother Zen. I miss our drinking sessions. I miss my sister Ness. I miss our debates, fights, then trips to McDonalds afterwards. I miss my brother Mansour. I miss his patience as I throw tantrums at him. I miss my brother Ayman. I miss his radical thoughts. I miss my brother Othman. I miss his weirdness. I miss our cats Yuri, Katrina, Gloria, Salem, Tigger and KitKat. I miss home.

That is exactly why I am not out partying. I just want to sulk home alone in my pad. All alone.

When I was in Manila for vacation, my brother was gonna throw out some papers and stuff that belonged to my sister. It was taking a lot of space plus it was of no use anymore he said. I took the whole box with me back here in Cagayan. I found a write-up my sis did and it reminded me so much of the good times with my family back in Jeddah. Here it is:

Desert Sun

"Get your foot off my face!"

"You touched my nose!! Mom!! He's at it again!!"

"I wouldn't touch your nose if you paid me a million."

"Move and you're dead."

"Dad, are you whistling? Are you counting to ten?"

"Mom, did you leave the faucet on in the kitchen on purpose?"

This is the ordinary conversations that takes place inside our Isuzu Trooper when we're traveling. I have eight brothers. You get the picture. On this particular day, the boys are hyped. We are going on a family trip to Riyadh (capital city of Saudi Arabia) from Jeddah (tourist capital of Saudi Arabia) to visit some cousins for the summer. It is a 12-hour long trip; that is, if we make at least four quick 30-minute stopovers at gasoline staitons cum restaurants dotted along the sides of the desert road.

Traveling to Riyadh is not new to us; we've done this several times before. And everytime, on the first couple of hours of the trip, this same scene is replayed. My father would be driving, whistling to himself most probably to drown the sounds of our bickering. He would have his Frank Sinatra tape playing, perhaps in an attempt to calm down the passengers. No such luck. My mother would be on the front seat, mentally checking and re-checking the list of things we need, if we have enough to eat until the next stopover, if she plugged all the appliances at home, and maybe calculating how much time it will take for me and my brothers to quit kicking the back of her seat. It is at these times thast I have the utmost respect for my my parents' patience.

Our seating arrangements whave been prepared by my old folks beforehand. Siblings are strategically positioned according to their traits to avoid clashes and to make the least possible noise. The moody sibling gets the seat next to the silent who is then seated next to noisy sibling with the eldest (and therfore, most 'controlling') sibling right next to him, etc. etc. I am the only sibling who doesn't have a trait. I am the GIRL sibling, therefore, I get any seat I want; in this case, the window seat behind my father's. I look at my parents who are pretending nothing is happening. Oh, yes, my father was right. We did not take the airplane, not because it would be expensive (yeah, yeah, sure, sure), but because traveling by car with the whole family builds character. I concur. Look at all these characters we've built so far, and not even halfway through the journey!

An hour and a half later, the boys are sedated. Two are snoring, one has earphones plugged on-- supposedly so only he can hear the sounds coming from his Discman, but by the volume he's going by, he might as well have brought his speakers, one is preoccupied with his GameBoy, three are talking in hushed tones-- most probably about girls. I look out the window into the vast, vast desert and watch in amazement as the little whirlwinds pass us by. We set out at about 3 pm, so that by this time, the sun is preparing to set. Outside it is hot, hot, hot, and our air condition is working it big time. The desert is swathed in an orange-red light, making it all so romantic. I sigh into the window and watch my breath fog up the glass. Nighttime is slowly creeping up on us, and in a matter of time, it will be dark, except for the glow of our headlights, the white stripes of paint on the road, and the signs on the side, 45 km exit to Basrah, etc.

"What if you were left out there, lost in those mountains , with only sand as your companion, at this time of the day? What would you do? What if you suddenly bump into this huge monster who breaks you in half and devours you? What if you see a ghost?"

This comes from my seatmate, the talkative sibling, breaking my reverie. I nudge him away and close my eyes to shut him out. But I think about what he said. What if...?

I awake to the sounds of our car doors opening and slamming. The fluorescent light of the gasoline station momentarily blinds me. I get out of the car and follow my brothers to the little restaurant on the side. Everyone is stretching and yawning. The early evening sky still, and silence surrounds us. We enter through the Family Entrance of the restaurant. There is always a Family Entrance and a Male-Only Entrance for those traveling alone. There are booths with curtains around them for privacy. Two of them are occupied by Arab families. We take the third one from the door. A man appears to take our orders. We don't really have a choice, they only serve Arab Khabsah, which is Java rice with spiced whole chickens. The man offers us "Bebsi" for our drinks. (Arabs do not have the letter P, so everything with that sound comes of f as B) and we nod our heads so he would leave us and hurry with our orders. We are all starving. My brothers rub their arms, the night desert air is cool outside, and the door is wide open, bringing the draft in. My father starts to talk on how ancient Arabs made their houses (with mud). And goes into the details. We fidget around, trying to sound interested. We've heard this one twice before.

After thirty minutes, the waiter comes up to us and serves us our dinner. It was good., and we all finished our food in a very short time. My father goes through the Male-Only Entrance, where the cashier is and pays while we head back to the car. More groaning and complaining from my brothers, who long ot stay out of the car. They hate the cramped positions they get. But we are all ushered in by mom. As we resume our road trip, I watch the outline of the mountain as they go by and let them lull me to sleep. We still have about eight hours to reach our destination. I expect more complaining, more bickering, more request to go to the bathroom. I close my eyes and drift to slumber.

On my third waking-up , we are already inside the city of Riyadh. We are greated by the old, magnificent buildings of the oldest university in the Middle East, the King Saud University. The buildings are very low, no skyscrapers, no towers. The streets are immaculate. It's 4 am. The sky is brightening up. My brothers slowly wake up and stretch about in their limited spaces. I smile inwardly. We have arrived.

***

We are not an interesting family. Nothing special. Just the typical family everyone's got. But we are pretty entertaining though. I think. Sigh...I miss everybody. I hate being a grown-up.

Hearts Day

I remember once...on the 13th of February. I run around, busily trying to perfect romantic stunts for tomorrow. Crazy. Its the 14th today. Yup. Lonely.

Valentine's Day ain't no big deal at all. But I am just not used to being alone...this definitely is a first.

Went to some bar with a couple of friends. I was hoping to maybe find a single girl who might be interested. I mean, c'mon, its V-Day! Yes, someone did approach me. But sick as life can get, it was a dude. Yup, life plays not just any jokes but cruel ones. So I didn't stay any longer. Here I am tying to entertain myself.

How does one find the fuel to go on in trying to pursue someone he/she likes? I am kind of running on empty tank here. I see a lot of beautiful ladies around but I just don't have the energy to go for it. Could it be THIS strong, the effects of my previous relationship? Is this my bad karma?

Still, I like it this way. We writers love to think we are all alone. We love to hurt a lot. We love to be broke. We love to think that nobody likes us. We're crazy. That's exactly why life goes crazy on us...I think.


We question ourselves...why why why. Here's a secret I learned. There is really no answer. It's called 'the circle of life'. We ask, then we go around till we face the back of our question, then we go at it again. We stupid.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!:>

DeVille's Night

Through the eyes of people I am the evil amongst men. As though one look can describe the whole being of my body and soul. But it is the eye of the owner who will only see what the truth really is. In the depths of the skin and blood lies the tormented soul. A soul that will someday burst into flames from all the fiery it has succumbed in the years of unspeakable torture. With one glimpse it will release the fury of what has yet to be known as the evil amongst the devils. And by then, up will come rising a new being. Spawning into what wrath means in reality. Behold...for the time is near. You will suffer greatly. You'd regret not dying during those times of what you call difficult trials. You'd regret having been born even if it has never been you who wanted to be born in the first place. You will see.

A Magnetic World That Does The Damage

Ironic things in life makes us much more miserable than we already are. If not for this we would not have that...so on and so forth. What do I do, what do I do? I don't know.
Yes, we are smart enough to know that we don't have all the answers. Sometimes its healthier to be stupid. Oh I don't know. We just are.
Hush, hush now. Everything's gonna be alright, we assure ourselvcs. But that very moment we do, it is when we are most vulnerable by doubt.
Every now and then, I'd think and I plan and I try to reason with myself...next thing I know *poof* that chance of executing my so-called plan had passed me by. It would've been easy to let it sink in if it moved fast as a bullet, but noooooo. A turtle would've been faster. And all I did was watch.
Puff, puff...its the cigarette. I know it is. I've seen the way it glowed its fiery tip at me. It's angry. This murderous little sticks. You just cost me 30 bucks and you even steal away 2 minutes of my life. I think I love you already.
Its next to impossible to find somebody who will never make you cry...so do yourself a favor... get the next best thing...find someone who's worth all the pain!
Why are our superiors such terrorizing creatures? Its because they earned the right to do so. That doesn't mean hate them. HAAAAAAA-TE THEM!!! Because when you've learned something and you do replace them, it'd be your turn.
How clean are those? Nothing is clean. Wash it a million times, there's still the air filled with dust, fart, etc. But still, why do we eat in our plates?!?! STUPID. Yes, that's me being irrationally stupid. It feels good. To ask a non-sensical question and degrade myself with an answer.
Battle of the sexes? People, puh-leeez! Its the Y chromosomes brought up by the negativity of the atom. No, nope. No need to research on that one. Yes, its a made up sentence that, once again, has no meaning at all. Honestly, try it. Go ahead, say it. Those long and never-ending debates would instantly stop.
Power. A word so strong. Here's a line so powerful I just don't know why...To the left, to the left...and if she wasn't pointing at all I wouldnt have found her totally irresistable which makes her irreplacable. Beyonce, you're killing me. Please don't.

Lesson for today: Everything good, kills.

"Life is not the amount of breath you take, its the moments that take your breath away." - Will Smith in Hitch.

You Think!?

When the warmth is gon, the wind gives the gust of cold. Breathe the wind of life for these are one of the things you just don't have the choice to. Its that long talk with your dad about the birds and the bees. Its that irritable cousin of yours who thinks you a lot look alike. Its that aunt of yours and her big sloppy wet kisses. Yup, its the time for wishes you'll never get.

Why is life so playful? Of course it should be! Why can't it have fun, why? If it wasn't, the percentage of suicide related deaths would arise to the max. And boredom would be the culprit behind it all.

Why does everybody think they're more mysterious than they really are? Answer: because they aren't. And it feels good to know you are who you are not even if you know you are not. That's one game.

What's the moment? The moment of silence. Alone and trying hard to smile. You try to dance yourself into having fun. You start to float. But hey, there's no one around you to see. Just the empty four corners surrounding you. By now you are flying. Then it hits you hard...its just the weed. That's another.

Ever tried to kiss and ten percent along the way just as your noses brush past each, you stop. Then one of you says something dumb like "aren't you just glad we didn't do something stupid?" That's another game played on ya.

What do you do about it? Here's what I'd do. I'll fix myself a sandwich, open a huge bottle of ice cold coke, and watch a dvd (probably The Garden State or Elizabeth Town. these are my feel-good-at-bad-times movies.). If life plays you, play em back by not caring. Piss it off.

But then...I'd realize the bread has molds in it, my coke's been left open in the fridge for a long time so it tastes like water and sugar combined, and worst of all-- my dvd player's busted. Yes, that's one of em cruel payfulness.

Life is full of these deceptions. Turn the ocean yellow and flaming red. It becomes fire. Like Betty and Veronica, they really are of one person of different hair color. Let it be.

Congratulations. Your time's been officially wasted.

A Day In The Skies, A Night On The Seas

I know I have always been one to complain about how tired I am. How I very much needed a break. Well, last Decemeber, I did get my wish for being a good boy. My santa was a SHE though. But this is not about her. Thanks anyways.
A day before my flight for a 3 week vacation was the most agonizing wait of all. The excitement was way off the charts. Anxiety to what may be or what can be. It was the need for a change. Here's what I learned...sometimes the past is the refreshing new.
I made it through though . After two delays and a five hour wait in the airport, I finally boarded my time capsule that would take me back to the future.
As I sat beside the window overlooking the ocean that romanced with the sun's light, many things suddenly occured to me. It was my first journey alone, I have conquered my fear of heights, and I was relaxed. For so long now have I felt the feeling of calmness. So far so good. Oh, except for that embarassing time I found myself standing in line at the wrong terminal.
Like a blind man, I was trying to pat my way around. There was this weird feeling that I wished so much to be lost. To find myself in a very unfamiliar place. Because finding my way through would be an accomplishment after so much failure in life. It was a wish to boost my spirits.
I came to where I left off long ago. The place has changed but only for a bit. But by God, I didn't know that people would change a lot in just a matter of just two years apart.
From friends to strangers. I never thought would be unfamiliar effigies both physically and mentally. Worse, no hug not even a friendly gesture from somebody who was once a best friend. Just a pounding of show-boating an criticisms and a bag full of irritable (and snobbish) nods.
Of course some remained the same. A little maturity in them though. But it makes me think too. How much have I changed? Or how little have I? Was it from better to worse? Or the other way around? Maybe what one of my friends said (after a secret talk about it) was true. Maybe I "became kinder to notice how cruel" my so-called bestfriend was. FYI, we were the 'bullies'.:> People say stuff like "some things don't matter". Guess what, they all do. If you wanna feel good then it does matter. These people literally grew up with me. I never knew that the eighteen years being together would change in just two years being apart. Yes, that's how long we've been together.
Here's a greater side to my sojourn. Atleast my family didn't let me down. My brothers. Well, they are the reason for me to be proud. I used to be (atleast I loved to think)... tried to be... the older one. But because of the transformation, I felt I could finally act my age. They have matured into responsible adults as they were supposed to. Its been great having all the attention as the younger brother. No, I am not the youngest in the family. I am the middle. In my vacation though, I was. Parties being thrown solely for me, clubbing, getting drunk and all that. Everyday was a heart-warming welcome.
Now I am back again. Here I am stuck in my pad with nothing but my trusted pen and *sigh* bills, bills, bills. I am glad though. Too much would've been too good to be true. It would've been the bitterness of being too sweet. A two-day first class ship ride and then I am back again. Well, all things come to an end. Cheers to the beginning of the end to the beginning. Happy New Year! (No greeting's too late.)

For Your Eyes Only...

From the first time we met, there had been sparkle in her eyes. I loved to stare at it. But what I loved most was how it glared at me when I wasn't looking. It was her eyes.
I wanted to take things slow. Recovering from a break-up , I just knew that if I pushed thru without the patience, she'd somehow slip away. I really liked her. After a long time of recovering from a traumatic relationship, this has been the first to bring me back in the game.
So I introduced her to my friends, even though we were also just newly introduced to one another. My best friends. My right hand guy. This is so that she would feel comfortable hanging around with me coz it was a sure shot that she'd like my friends. From then on that's how everything changed.
Sensing a little competition between me and my trusted right hand guy, I tried to do everything I could to keep up with the game. Luck sure wasn't on my side. My right hand guy, whom I taught every trick in the book, was fast on a streak with almost everything. With every trick he pulls, I counter. the problem is most of them were counter-proof.
Still, there were the long stares of the shining pearl-like eyes. Sometimes, when everybody were busy chattering we would battle glares. She'd end it with a smile that could melt even the highest of them cold icebergs. It was the only security I needed to know that I was still there. That I mattered.
A night came just like any other. I couldn't wait to see her. The smoothness of her face, her smile, her grace, her glow...the sparkle of her eyes. It was her eyes.
There she was sitting alone. Her fingers clasped on each. Her legs crossed. A rose on her lap. her head bent. She looked up at me. There was no more sparkle. Beside her, my right hand guy sat. Placing a hand on her palm. A kiss.
She looked my way. A glitter on her eyes. As if a plea to make me take her. A revelation deep within those very eyes that told me I wasn't there when I was needed. A little too late and there was nothing else to do.
The ship had sailed...but what was worse, I was aboard it and I wasn't supposed to. In her eyes I'd always be. The ride's painful. Until now it goes forth to following the journey. I wish I could get-off. But it was her eyes. It was her eyes.

The Bohemian Dogma

Freedom, truth, love. These are some of what the "children of the revolution" stand for. A perfect way to live life. The prefect notion for a care-free world. Alas, only a few are given the guts to follow the path.
Why can't I skip and jump along this road? Why do I go thru with my days in appalling ways? The mere reasoning of which I can't afford to. But, ahhh, money. Its just what makes living difficult.
I can't afford to have freedom for my world is a prison. I am imprisoned to this tyranny of which I am both the prisoner and the warden. For everything I do, I get the blame for. Its like knowing that a quicksand lies in front of me but despite the consequence I take a further walk into its pits, taking with me not even my footsteps and coming to the bitter end.
I can't afford to be honest for the truth would destroy my only masterpiece...a pride so high that've been built in towers by blocks of lies. With it I gain my false honor. If it were a kingdom, I would be the king and if the truth were conquerors, from my throne I'd be descended with nothing but shame.
I can't afford to love for love is one that can't be bought.I can't afford to love for the payment of love would be my life. It would end spontaneity. If I'd live a world of nothing but dull days filled with no tantra, I'd rather be a monk in the temples of buddha for I would have then not known how much beauty lies in the hands of the mother-of-all-temptress...the world.
There are always options. But these options are not what matters. Its the matter of how one chooses. Its not always easy to make a choice. Actually it never is. Not even over coffee or tea. Why? Because only a few are given the chance. And what's worse is...alas, only a few are given the guts to follow the path.

Chasing Cars

A lot's been on my mind. I wish I could add "lately" to that. "Always" is more like it. If only I could wish for a tomorrow that would be stress-free. Even for just tomorrow. A day without my usual worries. But I can't. Coz even wishing is expensive nowadays.
So what do I do? I turn to my usual escapades. The movies, music, my writing. They are the only escapes that really works for me.
To make my day, for startes I watched Moulin Rouge for the nth time. I just love that movie. I don't know why I don't get sick of it. Maybe because it is what this world is really facing. Tragedy.
Next to my ever trusted pen. You can check my friendster blog for that piece.
Lastly, music. My greates escape to date. I am currently- and will be- listening to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars. Well, firstly I am completely hooked to Grey's Anatomy, and its where I first heard this song. I didn't know they still made such beautiful music nowadays. I mean I am a man of the past. Musically speaking that is. Only now have I truly admired a piece of art in the 21st century. Ha. Exaggeration. An skill I have yet to master.
Anyways, here's the words of the song...ladies and gentlemen, Chasing Cars by Snow Partol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Spontaneity

Routine is what kills us, don't you think? Try to see yourself doing the same things over and over...and over and over again. Tsk tsk. Such a profane way to live life. I am not really sure if I said that correctly.
As you all know, I love movies that make sense. Well, sometimes even the ones that don't. But here's one that uniquely makes sense. Romantic in a way, and even tragic. I salute the makers of this wonderful film. "Before Sunrise". The only film I know that is of its kind. And amazingly the ONLY film I know that has so many lines that makes sense. Oh, how I envy the adventurous way of living of the two characters in it. Meeting in a train and decides to get-off together IN Venice where they got to know each other more and fell in love as their only night which was never supposed to be unfolded right at the moment. The next morning, bade farewell to each other promising a meeting after six months in the same station probably hoping that one wouldn't let go, leaving us with the question, "would one do?" Here are some excerpts that I love most...

Julia Delpy as Celine: "If your parents never really, fully contradict you about anything and are basically nice and supportive, it makes it even harder to officially complain even when they are wrong. It's this passive-aggressive shit. It's a process to rebel against everything that came before."

How true. I mean c'mon, don't you just feel good complaining about stuff? Being a radical is really what youth stands for. Why? Because we always want to try what we haven't gone thru which those who came before know exactly what'd happen. Without resistance there wouldn't be no balance. Do I make sense?

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "People have this romantic projection on everything. It's not based on any kind of reality."

It is how life is lived. Don't ask questions. Live it. That's the only way to know the real answer. Sooner or later you'd find out that the question really is the answer. What a disappointment it'd turn out after all. Its like an adolescent's fantasy when done watching porn. When the time come its there, it turns out to be such a nightmare. So sometimes its best its kept as a fantasy.

Julia Delpy as Celine: "Why does everybody think conflict is bad? There's a lot of good things that coming out of bad."

Indeed. Enough said.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I always think that if I can accept the fact that my life was supposed to be difficult, that's what's to be expected, then I might not be so pissed-off about it and I'd just be glad when something nice happens."

Don't everybody get that notion? Denial makes it harder for us to go through with our time. Here's an instance wherein I feel depressed...when I don't have money. And when I do get, I feel more depressed that it just ain't enough. Appreciation is lost because of denial.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I kind of see love as this escape for two people who don't know how to be alone. People always about how love is this totally unselfish giving thing. But if you think about it, there's nothing more selfish."

Its finally someone said it! Actually its been said on the summer of '94 as that was the time the movie was made. Anyways love is CRUEL! It is. I like being alone. Nothing wrong with it. You just happen to miss out on the biological need for an opposite sex to exist.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way."

So do I, brother. So do I.

I actually have the sequel to the movie, "Before Sunset", which was made 9 years after the first one. I watched it already but now I want to focus on its lines. I can't wait to get home actually. So till then.

Brotherly Advices

Having a hard time to decide?
Life doesn't have crossroads. Its more like driving at fullspeed and suddenly you step on the brakes but by the time it is put on halt, you already have missed the only road to the right. Then you start to think. Should I turn back or should I go on. Either way leads to regrets. There always is the "I should've" or "I shouldn't have". What someone must do is make a decision fast. The longer you ponder, the harder to accept the results of which you've chosen. That's how life is and its choices are... and I'm afraid you don't have a choice.

Someone bothers you?
People always have something smart to say. That's why they have mouths. Let it in through your ears. That's way far from your heart. No need to let it sink there. That's another way to share a life with people and their alecky tongues.

Hindrances blocking you?
Walls are built. They don't stand in front of you by themselves. You've been cornered because you traced the path towards it. People build them. Probably you can go over it too...or more likely tear it down.

"What is your perspective about friends who just show up when life gives them lemons?"~ I'd buy them a dozen of apples I guess.
by: Ayman Tamano

Kid Stuff?!? No Way...

I don't get it. I just don't. I mean those stuff are really creepy. Totally not for kids. Nah, I won't have my future kids go and watch those kinda stuff.
I'm talkin about three movies by the way. Three children's movies that really freaked me out. Harry Potter, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, and...Alice In Wonderland.
Yes, you heard me right. I mean what kinda sicko would want an innocent child watch a movie about some man named Wonka who owns a prefectly freaky chocolate factory that has a terribly small door on the outside and a monstrously huge on the inside? That kinda stuff messes up an adult's mind, what more can it do to a child?
Okay so you might say that kids don't pay attention to those details. So how about the singing part on the train ride in the dark tunnel with the surroundings spinning and the camera focused on the extremely creepy emotionless face of Wonka? That's terror man! Still not enough? How about the freaky office then? The one with every stuff is in half? You gotta watch the movie to know what I am talkin about. As if it ain't freaky enough that it is an oldie movie. And all those stuff I am speaking literally.
Oh yeah...the Harry Potter. Right. Well, since the first of the four movies was released, I did get to watch it but a mystery lies about it 'coz strangely I fall asleep on the first 5 minutes of the movie. On it went, the curse, up to the fourth installment. I wish that "curse" stayed with me. Last night I did get to watch the first movie without falling asleep and I say...THAT movie was scary. Yes. Terrorizing even to the minds of the not-so-innocent. First on the line...that hideously large dude named Hagrid. He couldn't even knock on a door without breaking it. And he casts spells that would give you a tail. Uh-uh...freak. Oh and that ghost dude whose head hangs by a single thread of skin. It's just so brutal to let a character like that talk...AND HE'S A F***ing GHOST!!! Oh and before I forget...the humongous dog with three heads!!! What else...hmm...yeah the moving stairways are scary too...and the villains are always up to their task of terrorizing not only the good guys but even the viewers. CREEPY indeed. Definitely not for children below...say...30 years old.
You're all wondering why I included Alice in Wonderland right and not Beauty and the Beast or The Little Mermaid. Well...imagine yourself being lost in a dream-like world wherein everytime you cry, you grow big and I am talkin' BIG as in you drown in your own tears. Plus being chased down by a deck of armed playing cards ready to kill you anytime...running down a puzzle of tall hedges in a green garden...scary! Oh and finding in the middle of the forest a creepily-smiling dude having tea with a rabbit(?) and laughing at you when you ask directions for home. One more thing...as you've noticed I am a bit fond of doors...well, imagine you can't open a door to your freedom because the door knob talks! Ugh...I am all shudders. Doors, why do there have to be doors!?!Nah...no way I am letting my future kids watch that.NOOOO way. I suggest you do the same.