Dream

*This song is alternately sung by male and female.

I've seen her once in my dreams
I've seen him wander in my head
Her beauty's so perfect, its how it seems
He looked so lonely and so sad

She was someone that I know
He remained a stranger
She was a wish that came true
But he was always around to linger

She was a dream and stayed a dream
He was a dream and stayed a dream
Nothing more but a dream
Nothing more but a dream (2x)

Where is he, I couldn't see
I'm trying to forget, I've gone away
Don't wake me up, don't le me be
It's not easy, I shouldn't stay

She was a dream and stayed a dream
He was a dream and stayed a dream
Nothing more but a dream
Nothing more but a dream (2x)



*Lyrics by Adnan Tamano and Najifah Pundug

Feverish Thoughts

Its getting harder to breathe.

An itch inside my throat is driving me insane.

What's worse is, I'm having trouble smoking. Pain in my head never seems to subside.

I just hate it when I am on one side and that side of my nose gets clogged. I just wanna get a shovel and dig out whatever is in that hole.

I can't pronounce the letter 'N'. I talk dumb.

I look awful.

I cough, hack, spit...and there it is. The disgusting greeny phlegm that becomes a swamp in the clean dark asphalt. And people would look, roll their eyes or hold back vomit. And I stare back, a challenging stare that says, " say it to my face!"

I sweat.

I wipe away and sweat some more. And its not even hot or warm. And worse, I shiver.

I do my 40 minutes aerobics. Why am I in this class? My classmates are 15-16 years old. Why did I NOT take this class back when I was a freshy?

Its getting harder to breathe again. I just wanna scream. I deny myself to think that my asthma's back.

This is just a fever, JUST a fever.

And there's that itch again.

"Make a Move and the Bunny Gets It"

If I were a three year old born on the 26th of June, I'll probably be making this little poem, enjoy...

"Put the Bunny Back In the Box"

My mommy's coming home on June 26th,
My birthday is June 26th,
I'm going to see my mommy for the first time ever on June 26th.

Sounds familiar? LOL:D I am just excited.

Despite It All, Something's Within

Tuesday

With hard curled fists thrown wildly at the huge man's jaw, landing with soft thuds --- it was enough as finishing touches to end the dispute of even I have lost track as of where, what and how it had begun in the first place. It felt good to release the anger in me, despite of the pain on my sides wherein a beating it had suffered from my opponent, it still felt good for my mind was denying the stings my body was taking.
I could taste blood from my mouth, sending me to flung one last kick towards the motionless body that lay before me. Ptooey! Spit on you. Yup, add insult to injury. That's more like it. Curse you.
Then I couldn't deny myself but think, how was this a good idea to resolve something? I could've walked away and let it be. Damn.

Wednesday

Where am I? I climbed up on my legs. They wobbled under my weight. I can't get up! Something's keeping me down. It felt like there were hundred tons placed on my back. I turned my head as far as it could go. Nothing. Only the misty air. The sky was dark grey. I was confused. Was it day time or night? I really had no idea.
Cold wind hit my face. I felt hot stings on my face. AAAAARGH! Painful! Verrrrry painful! I slowly watched my face take form on the puddle of clear water that lay strewn in front of me. My eyes watched in horror as I saw what caused the unbearable pain. My face...my face bore holes the size of a thumb in diameter and must've been as deep as an inch or more. I could clearly see my wounds amidst the bloody mess.
I turned to look at the figure beside me, still down on all fours. It was a familiar face. It was my father's. Pop...Hey Pop!...he couldn't hear me. I followed the path his eyes led to. He was watching the full moon. Suddenly the moon started to spill water. Seconds before I could say anything, water buried my legs, then climbed my waist. I tried to pull my father. He was rock solid as if he was a statue stuck on the floor. I looked around, everyone were in the same catatonic state. The water was now up to my neck. I couldn't see anything.
A face suddenly appeared before mine. It was someone I knew but I couldn't remember who. There was a freaky smile on her face. Her face suddenly wrinkled and as slowly as it had appeared, she transformed into an old lady. What's going on? My face still felt the stings. Hot hot hot. The water was scalding hot. What's going on!?!
This is judgement day, she said with the smile still on her face.

I woke up all wet with sweat, some trickled on my face and back. Despite the cold I was furiously sweating. I gasped for air as I shot up wide awake. My head whirred. I was dazed. With every breathe I caught, it choked me. I grabbed my covers and clung to it like a child. I was trying to make sure it was all a dream. I started wishing I was a child again. To be able to run to my parents to ask for assurance that it was all a bad dream. I silently prayed. Not for myself, but for my parents. I curled myself still at the end post corner of my bed.

Thursday

I hate being stuck. Not being able to get out of the house. After the busy days I've had enrolling at school, its time to await the day of the first for classes. Boredom, it tires me. Its too hot. It would probably rain later...but that would make it hotter than it already is. I'd rather feel too cold than be all hot. Maybe I'd go to the beach. It's just nearby. But I hate everything that's over rated. Like the sunset. I love the beach. I just hate the other reasons being there other than the clear cold waters. Its too early to go...but might be too late to decide to go. Stuck.

Friday

It rained again today. As usual. And this goddamned jeep ain't moving. Oohh...what's that up there? Yeah, the sky. Strange...it looked so beautiful. So still like a painting. All with its blue and purplish night sky while the sun's down going. It suddenly occured to me that it has been a long long long time since I've taken the time to stare and watch the sky up there. I've forgotten its beauty. Wow...its just amazing. From now on I'll be watching you. Yup. From now on I will catch every show. Is that a bunny!?!


***Based on actual events***

11:11 - Not As Weird As It Seems

"The numbers are the most attractive combination there is. You might think that it's the number you always see because of its uniformity and so it is hard to forget when it catches your eye, when actually, it doesn't differ with the number combination 8:30 but still a person would not think of anything peculiar about it."

This was the explanation I got from my Philo professor. I had to ask after having weird experiences in the number combination sightings myself. Very weird but then, not anymore.

"Here's how it happened to you. After your friend mentioned it, your mind sub-consciously became aware of the number thus leaving you feeling all weird in a sense of de ja vu-like manner. If you put your mind into something, what you choose to see is most likely what you'll see. As for your friend, it may be the uniformity of the number that attracted her eye."

This one's from my Psych professor. Case closed.

Persona Non Grata

The problem with growing up in an interracial community is growing up with no racial identity at all. Being mixed up with all the different cultures lets one choose beautiful bits and pieces from each of those that surrounds him/her. This is the advantage of the situation. But from the gathered pieces, most of them contradicts to the original one thus resulting to the unacceptance of one's real race.
Speaking of cultural indifferences is very similar to that of when discussing morality. What and which is moral or immoral? In one religion, an action might be seen as immoral while another might be the other way around. Let us not speak of religion though.
The question of people like me is, where do we stand? Where is our place? And lastly, the most common of all, who are we?
I am a citizen of a land I can't call home and a foreigner to that of I which I consider home. I have no place. I am the loophole in the pledge for patriotism. My criticisms are unaccepted in every possible point of view on both sides for I am either considered a racist or an ungrateful citizen.
We are silenced against our will. We are accused of lacking knowledge of the land which "morally" they say as ours. Again, morality--only a point of view/opinion. That's what I'll consider it.
The solution for my own peace will be to let go of all hearsays and let my mind speak free of will. Humility, an unforgiving method and an important recipe in the gulag simply called life.

Just Me

A year has gone by without saying goodbye. Its been a run. Its been one heck of a life. I am thankful for every blessings I've had. The family that never fails to ruin my day but still stay the love of my life. The good school that seems to never want to let me move on with a good life without going thru its torture. The money that stays lost even when its found. The friends that hates me for whom I've become but loves me for being who I am. Everything I have said is all meant to be good. For they played a vital part on who I am. So even a bad is good as it is part of the irony of living which "they" call balance.

Its my birthday today. I don't know what's the big deal with them birthdays. I mean, okay okay a person was born on the given date! So what!?! I was raised in a family that never celebrates birthdays because of religious beliefs. I for one should get used to not making a big deal out of it. But here I am and blimey yes it is a big deal when people do forget about it. Hoosah.

So I am starting my day with the usual loneliness. Uh-huh. A day all to myself is a good thing, I'd usually say. My birthdays are spent as days of reflection. These are the times I do listen to "older" people's advices. I have not recieved a single encouragement for my dreams. Somehow everyone thinks that I would do better if I went the other way. There is no potential in me that will work with other "opportunities" other than for that of which I love. Crazy crazy world out there with crazy crazy people.

My awareness has been very keeny lately. Literally speaking. Just a while ago, I was looking for a decent place to have brunch in. And I came across a little diner which scared the hell out of me. Why? Because it was called Ran's Goattee. I was curious but not enough to try the place out. I mean what in the world do they serve in there? Moustache soup, fried goatee, steamed sideburns and iced pubic hair for dessert!?! Like I said, crazy crazy crazy world with people of the same state.

Its good to know that though I am becoming older, some things in me just don't change. My constant complaining for one. I love to complain about everything. It makes everything easier to deal with. So I give myself credit for being such an ass...most of the time. I mean, why not? After all, it just me.

"-holic" Frolic

We all have different kinds of stuff that keeps us hooked unconsciously. I believe that to truly fight the urges of having too much of what isn't supposedly the safe amount, we have to accept to ourselves the true nature of what we have become. So here are my few addiction.

1st addiction:
This was waaaaay back. I was a kid then. My life revolved around food. I mean, I was fat then....obese fat! The mere thought of losing weight sounded so crazy. Food was my only friend. It was my only escape to feeling bad about myself. Whenever I think of my weight, I say to myself--"Think of the FOOD man!". I was a food-a-holic!!!

2nd addiction:
To get rid of my addiction to food, I tried so many things in-order to forget about it. So I started working-out. And it did the job all right. I lost millions of pounds and I was able to fit into pants that were sold on boutiques! Yeah that was one helluva experience the first time I bought a pair of pants that were sized 30. *Sniff-sniff*. But then I missed the whole point of my working-out that it was getting pretty unhealthy. I would work-out early in the morning then at in the afternoon then at evening just before going to bed. I totally stopped eating because I thought that it was ruining my sessions. I think this might count as a work-a-holic.

3rd Addiction:
It was not until I looked like a junkie that I was able to stop. I quit working-out and made myself busy by trying to hook-up with as many women as I could get. I mean, hey they tend to keep me busy from working-out or eating too much. And for a while it worked. But where could I get as many women as I could? Answer: Bars and Clubs. Unfortunately, something else occupied most of my time. Alcohol--yes booze! For a year and 2 months, I couldn't be go on a day without atleast a bottle of cold, cold beer. When my craving was ultimately too much to control, I finally accepted the fact that I had become an alcoholic.

4th Addiction:
I had a hard time figuring out how to cure myself of the disease brought to me by all the drinking. It was very difficult. I had no other solutions. I spend almost all my allowance on just booze. So what I did? I had to get rid of my money. My only solution was to spend it all--shopping. Sadly it did get out of control again. Suddenly I was spending too much on useless stuff. I buy too much dvds and I don't even watch them, I buy too many clothes most of which I don't even wear, I buy lots and lots of crazy things which now doesn't even make sense anymore. I went out shopping too much like a woman! It was getting pretty scary. I was a shop-a-holic.

The bad thing is I went back to my first addiction to cure my 4th addiction. And then I'm gonna have to got thru my 2nd addiction to get rid of the 1st! I am going round and round till I find a solution to all these four. Its crazy I know. But what can I do!?! I badly need help. Stuff like these are one of those in life that you can't seem to make sense out of. It is crazy to let a situation get out-of-hand but the question is, when do you know its becoming an addiction? Sometimes you can't even accept the fact that it is an addiction. I am very thankful though that I haven't been into the worst kind of addiction--drugs. Still, I think my issues are bad enough.
Situations like these are just way beyond our control. These are the times when I wish I have the guts to trust in God and just pray for help. But my philosophy sometimes contradicts that. I mean you cannot just rely on everything to God. I believe in the saying that, "God helps those who help themselves". I just don't know if I have done everything to help myself. Thus I go on trying to figure out a way to conquer these things that eat me empty.

Holden at 20

I missed reading books. So I got myself a treat yesterday by going to the bookstore and getting me a new book. Actually it ain't new at all, its a classic. "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. It had been recommended to me numerous times already. I was really curious why.
It took me less than a day to read...and PHEW...what a boring book. Atleast that's what I thought at first. I mean, I hated the way the character, Holden Caulfield, kept repeating what he said. But after getting used to it midway thru the book, everything got more interesting.
Its really a book about what goes on in the head of Holden, a 1st class fuck-up. After being axed from his third school, he suddenly goes into a phase wherein he had to go soul searching. Well there wasn't much of a search rather than clearing his head up from what troubled him.
I was surprised with the similarity of what goes on in his life with mine. Depression really gets the best out of you. With each trouble he comes face-to-face with, he runs away from it as this was his solution of problems. Somehow he never likes anything at all, and he tries to find the fault in everything and everyone just to justify his acts. Calling everyone a phony and all. That's all me! Do I just love escaping the 'real world'...
What I loved about his personality was how caring he was with his brothers, one of them specially--Allie, who passed away at the age thirteen. It was also very touching the closeness he had with his younger sister, Phoebe Caulfield.
Phoebe is my favorite character in the book. She's such an adorable angel. Very innocent and smart. She's the baby sister I never had!:D I don't know why, but I know three Phoebe's...of course only one in real person, and the other two characters from a tv sitcom and a book. But all seem so bubbly and cheery. Maybe I'd be calling my future-daughter by that name. Its such a "fun" one. Unlike the name Holden...too boring.
Here's a line I loved from the book. It came as an advice from Holden's former teacher Mr. Antolini. "The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." This he claims, came from a psycho-analyst named Wilhelm Stekel.
As I read the book, I was amazed at how it almost resembled my life and thoughts. Well, I guess some books are just meant to be written for certain people. And this one surely was meant for me. In fact, I am beginning to love the book (its the kind that you'd love after reading and not while reading!), I bought a movie just because it was about a man who became obsessed with it. I think the movie is about John Lennon's killer, I don't know coz I haven't seen it yet. It stars Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan entitled Chapter 27. FYI, the book has 26 chapters!:D

Speaking of movies, books, and obsession, I saw a movie yesterday that embodies those three. Starring Jim Carrey, entitled The Number 23. This movie I highly recommend to the fans of the actor, to those with obsession with numbers ( such as SHARI and her 11:11!), but definitely not to movie critics. Its a psycho-thriller about a guy who became obsessed with the number 23 after reading about a book that was similar with his life. Very freaky. Heads-Up to Jim Carrey's acting and the writers and director's creativity. Love it!

"You can't have enough of FRIENDS"

I believe a person can be a combination of many people. As for my analysis of myself, I find in me traits of 6 people. This is what I have gathered so far after all those times of search...or I guess from watching too much F.R.I.E.N.D.S.! So which "friend" am I? Let's take a look...

I am part Ross Geller. Why? I guess I could say I am, *ahem ahem*, intelligent, highly emotional (which I shouldn't be so proud of!), and romantic. Yes I could be romantic when I want to! Oh, and sometimes I just talk too much about stuff I do which I am sure at most times nobody listens to or even cares. Still, that's a good thing. Plus, I do get my fair share of the ladies...unlike Mr. Bing.

And there's Phoebe Buffay. Just like her, I am a positive thinker...in my own kind of way. I love music just as she does, and yes, I think we are both bad at singing!:D Oh, and in my family, I am the massuese! Her sense of bohemian living...that's just me! I am not a vegetarian but I don't eat beef, so I guess we could count that in.

To start it with, I have a weird name. In my country that is. Not as interesting as Chandler Bing though. In school, some people still call me Adrian Tamayo. No, it doesn't have anything to do with my hand-writing. There are instances that when they hear I am a Muslim, they call me Abdul or Mohammad. They just assume that's my name! I mean, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!?! There's also the thing about bad jokes...I am always on fire with that one. Here's something we share...we are both "observers of everyone's life--especially our own!" But then I forgot why that's a good thing.

Rachel Greene? Well, I love fashion. Sometimes I am this completely obnoxious person who, at times, are mean than that of the right amount of which I should be. Still I care too much of my friends. And yes, I try to learn on life's lessons. So pretty much same as hers.

I used to be fat. That sums up to Monica Geller. Enough said.

Lastly, Joey Tribbiani completes my being. Hey, I know what you're thinking, that's not what I meant!!! Aside from wanting to be Al Pacino... I love pizza, women, the city, women, movies, women, and lastly (and most importantly!), MYSELF.

Random

Summer vacation has finally come. Whew...school has nothing but pure torture with a capital 'T'. Its been a crazy school year and I think my grades would be as crazy. But right now I wouldn't wanna think about that.

Some of my friends graduated yesterday. Man, do I envy them. To think of it though...a lot more complicated problems they'd be facing. Fresh grad in other words mean unemployed. So bumming for a while just to cherish that little time of freedom is what separates them from the watchful eyes of the society...or might even be life's own. Goodluck guys.

Congratulations to my sis Jehanie Edenisa Tamano-Mustari!:) She just graduated yesterday too. I am so proud of her. She has always been one of my heroes. Why? There are a lot of reasons...but here's my favorite one...Its because of the way she treats me as if I was still that little boy. God I miss being a kid.

Been watching a lot of movies lately. I highly recommend RENT. Its another one of those bohemian musicals. Just watch it and you'll know why its good. Oh and don't believe people who say that 300 is a great movie. Sorry to tell you guys, but it totally sucks. Yeah cool graphics, but the story's just L-A-M-E!!!

Here's another thing I've learned. The word goodbye is such a killer. I've seen family, friends and lovers suffer from it. Its always better saying it to someone than being the one bid adieu to.

Here's a line that I totally love...Reality is different from actuality. So true.

Music...for those who loves house music/techno/rave, another recommendation from me are the songs Put Your Hands Up for Detroit and This Is Not Miami. Talk about club music. Just can't get enough of it.

As for my little fame, its finally dying out. After 2 weeks of being on tv, I am out of the limelight. And all that remains is the t-shirt freebie I got. Yesterday was the last show which had the segment of the whole thingy. So I guess, that's about it for my career in television. LOL:) AS IF.

How am I feeling today: I am tired, suffering from a hang-over, hungry...yet, still happy. Not fulfilled but satisfied. :)

Till then...gotta go, cheerio. Be cool.

Whatever Goes

Yesterday was fun too. I know I've spoken about not topping the fun I had on february 23. Indeed that can't be beaten. But yesterday was fun in a different way. Me and my teammates from the SIRAJ's Amazing Race went to the beach for some get-together. I love the beach...its relaxing ambience makes everything seem so serene even with the noise of the splashing waves and crowd all over. So there, I still am capable of having fun.:)

Here's a little friendly advice...if you want to have fun, don't try too hard.

Sunsets are so over-rated when it comes to romantic settings. Seeing couples doing their thing is a pretty common scene... and still people fall for it. That's the kind of image I want to leave behind. Nope, not romantic. To be over-rated is better than being good at something but never be noticed.

I miss people and I hope people miss me too. This is one proof that life is temporary. People come and go. Sometimes you get lucky and still be able to find those people who you have long lost track of. Most of the time you never will. Before they become blurred memories, let them know that one day you'll miss them.

I haven't been spending too much time at home this past few days. Been walking around a lot lately. I just love getting tired. I need to get this motivation set to a good thing. Otherwise I'd just have bulging muscle on my legs.

Thinking of shifting to a new course. I'm done proving myself to others. Yes, parents are other. They are not me. I just came from them, just a part of them. But I am something different. We all are. So this time I need to prove something to myself. I still don't know my self-worth. Lol.:) No I am not going to sell myself.

I promised to always say how I feel. As of the moment, I am still happy. But still I feel empty.

February 23rd- My Official "SPECIAL DAY"

Man was last night a blast. It might be the best party ever thrown for me. I mean who can do better in throwing parties than a TV station!? Yes you heard me. Studio23 threw me a party. Somehow I still can't believe last night did happen.
So how did it start? Well, first of all, I love watching a lot of tv. Maybe that's where I got this personality of mine. I am a certified couch potato. My tv's on 24/7. And yes it did amount to something good.:>

Anyways, I saw this promo at Studio23 about them throwing a party for whoever has the best entry about one's circle of friends. I didn't know what I was thinking, I joined the contest. Amazingly, I won. And after much thought...it's actually the first time I won something worth...well...something. I guess only the people who have the same fate as I do understands the whole deal of never winning anything as precious. It was pretty special for me.
And there was I again...the exhilirating, exhausting, painful wait for the day given. Ugh. I am for one, very bad at being patient. But I survived the wait. Yes I did. And that surprised me too.
Friday night came. My phone kept ringing because of calls from the marketing specialist of the station. Yup...after that impatient wait, me and my friends were actually late! When we arrived we were greeted by this cheery (and surprisingly young) woman who happens to be the lady who'd been calling me...oh and was the one who chose my entry. We were to have dinner at a classy restaurant before we go clubbing.
Damn was I surprised when the sliding doors were opened and celebrities actually did the whole "SURPRISE" thingy! And to tell you the truth, that was also a first that I actually got that. I mean I never thought that on any occasion would I be opening doors to somewhere and people would do the thingy. And add celebrities to that matter. It sure is special to me.
While having dinner, it occured to me that these celebrities ARE people just like us. I mean they were really down-to-earth and all. It just so happens that they are, well, famous. But being a celebrity is just like being a doctor, lawyer, teacher and even janitor. It just a job...with good-pay and too much tv exposure. I actually felt sorry for them because after several hours of cameras stuck at my face, I was actually getting annoyed, what more of them. All they want is to have fun just like we do. So that's exactly what we did. We had fun WITH them, not BECAUSE of them. Pretty much, it was a give and take situation. They got drunk and all just like we did. It was a blast. Yes, it is a first for me to jam with celebrities. Therefore, special it is for both sides. We all ended up looking all wasted and foolish. That's the best part in partying.:>
This time I am really amazed as how life finally became friendly with me. This time its making me feel special. This time its giving me gifts. Maybe its because I put up with all its cruel jokes on me. I don't really know. Waking up today, I felt like everything was a dream. I thought none of them ever happened. But like I told Aine, "the memories would be treasured, if not forever then surely for a long long time." That's because it was so special.
Anyways, this is actually the part I thank everybody for everything...Studio23's Leo, Keby, Diane, Jc Cuadrado, Juddha Paolo, Atom, Patty, Manu, Imago's Tim, Zach, Aia and everyone else at ABS-CBN...THANK YOU VERY MUCH. And to that special woman who made it happen for me...Aine Reyes, the Marketing Specialist, I really don't know how to start thanking you. Love you guys and keep up the good work.

Family Matters

"Staying home on a Friday night?" the chinese dude who owned the store just below my pad asked as I was paying for the pack of cigarettes. I threw him a smile.

For some reason today, I feel pretty home-sick. I miss my dad. I miss our tennis games, our trips to Baskin Robbins. I miss my mom. I miss her shouts. I miss her cooking. I miss my sister Jehan. I miss her hugs of comfort. I miss my brother Amir. I miss his witty self. I miss my brother Waleed. I miss our long conversations. I miss my brother Zen. I miss our drinking sessions. I miss my sister Ness. I miss our debates, fights, then trips to McDonalds afterwards. I miss my brother Mansour. I miss his patience as I throw tantrums at him. I miss my brother Ayman. I miss his radical thoughts. I miss my brother Othman. I miss his weirdness. I miss our cats Yuri, Katrina, Gloria, Salem, Tigger and KitKat. I miss home.

That is exactly why I am not out partying. I just want to sulk home alone in my pad. All alone.

When I was in Manila for vacation, my brother was gonna throw out some papers and stuff that belonged to my sister. It was taking a lot of space plus it was of no use anymore he said. I took the whole box with me back here in Cagayan. I found a write-up my sis did and it reminded me so much of the good times with my family back in Jeddah. Here it is:

Desert Sun

"Get your foot off my face!"

"You touched my nose!! Mom!! He's at it again!!"

"I wouldn't touch your nose if you paid me a million."

"Move and you're dead."

"Dad, are you whistling? Are you counting to ten?"

"Mom, did you leave the faucet on in the kitchen on purpose?"

This is the ordinary conversations that takes place inside our Isuzu Trooper when we're traveling. I have eight brothers. You get the picture. On this particular day, the boys are hyped. We are going on a family trip to Riyadh (capital city of Saudi Arabia) from Jeddah (tourist capital of Saudi Arabia) to visit some cousins for the summer. It is a 12-hour long trip; that is, if we make at least four quick 30-minute stopovers at gasoline staitons cum restaurants dotted along the sides of the desert road.

Traveling to Riyadh is not new to us; we've done this several times before. And everytime, on the first couple of hours of the trip, this same scene is replayed. My father would be driving, whistling to himself most probably to drown the sounds of our bickering. He would have his Frank Sinatra tape playing, perhaps in an attempt to calm down the passengers. No such luck. My mother would be on the front seat, mentally checking and re-checking the list of things we need, if we have enough to eat until the next stopover, if she plugged all the appliances at home, and maybe calculating how much time it will take for me and my brothers to quit kicking the back of her seat. It is at these times thast I have the utmost respect for my my parents' patience.

Our seating arrangements whave been prepared by my old folks beforehand. Siblings are strategically positioned according to their traits to avoid clashes and to make the least possible noise. The moody sibling gets the seat next to the silent who is then seated next to noisy sibling with the eldest (and therfore, most 'controlling') sibling right next to him, etc. etc. I am the only sibling who doesn't have a trait. I am the GIRL sibling, therefore, I get any seat I want; in this case, the window seat behind my father's. I look at my parents who are pretending nothing is happening. Oh, yes, my father was right. We did not take the airplane, not because it would be expensive (yeah, yeah, sure, sure), but because traveling by car with the whole family builds character. I concur. Look at all these characters we've built so far, and not even halfway through the journey!

An hour and a half later, the boys are sedated. Two are snoring, one has earphones plugged on-- supposedly so only he can hear the sounds coming from his Discman, but by the volume he's going by, he might as well have brought his speakers, one is preoccupied with his GameBoy, three are talking in hushed tones-- most probably about girls. I look out the window into the vast, vast desert and watch in amazement as the little whirlwinds pass us by. We set out at about 3 pm, so that by this time, the sun is preparing to set. Outside it is hot, hot, hot, and our air condition is working it big time. The desert is swathed in an orange-red light, making it all so romantic. I sigh into the window and watch my breath fog up the glass. Nighttime is slowly creeping up on us, and in a matter of time, it will be dark, except for the glow of our headlights, the white stripes of paint on the road, and the signs on the side, 45 km exit to Basrah, etc.

"What if you were left out there, lost in those mountains , with only sand as your companion, at this time of the day? What would you do? What if you suddenly bump into this huge monster who breaks you in half and devours you? What if you see a ghost?"

This comes from my seatmate, the talkative sibling, breaking my reverie. I nudge him away and close my eyes to shut him out. But I think about what he said. What if...?

I awake to the sounds of our car doors opening and slamming. The fluorescent light of the gasoline station momentarily blinds me. I get out of the car and follow my brothers to the little restaurant on the side. Everyone is stretching and yawning. The early evening sky still, and silence surrounds us. We enter through the Family Entrance of the restaurant. There is always a Family Entrance and a Male-Only Entrance for those traveling alone. There are booths with curtains around them for privacy. Two of them are occupied by Arab families. We take the third one from the door. A man appears to take our orders. We don't really have a choice, they only serve Arab Khabsah, which is Java rice with spiced whole chickens. The man offers us "Bebsi" for our drinks. (Arabs do not have the letter P, so everything with that sound comes of f as B) and we nod our heads so he would leave us and hurry with our orders. We are all starving. My brothers rub their arms, the night desert air is cool outside, and the door is wide open, bringing the draft in. My father starts to talk on how ancient Arabs made their houses (with mud). And goes into the details. We fidget around, trying to sound interested. We've heard this one twice before.

After thirty minutes, the waiter comes up to us and serves us our dinner. It was good., and we all finished our food in a very short time. My father goes through the Male-Only Entrance, where the cashier is and pays while we head back to the car. More groaning and complaining from my brothers, who long ot stay out of the car. They hate the cramped positions they get. But we are all ushered in by mom. As we resume our road trip, I watch the outline of the mountain as they go by and let them lull me to sleep. We still have about eight hours to reach our destination. I expect more complaining, more bickering, more request to go to the bathroom. I close my eyes and drift to slumber.

On my third waking-up , we are already inside the city of Riyadh. We are greated by the old, magnificent buildings of the oldest university in the Middle East, the King Saud University. The buildings are very low, no skyscrapers, no towers. The streets are immaculate. It's 4 am. The sky is brightening up. My brothers slowly wake up and stretch about in their limited spaces. I smile inwardly. We have arrived.

***

We are not an interesting family. Nothing special. Just the typical family everyone's got. But we are pretty entertaining though. I think. Sigh...I miss everybody. I hate being a grown-up.

Hearts Day

I remember once...on the 13th of February. I run around, busily trying to perfect romantic stunts for tomorrow. Crazy. Its the 14th today. Yup. Lonely.

Valentine's Day ain't no big deal at all. But I am just not used to being alone...this definitely is a first.

Went to some bar with a couple of friends. I was hoping to maybe find a single girl who might be interested. I mean, c'mon, its V-Day! Yes, someone did approach me. But sick as life can get, it was a dude. Yup, life plays not just any jokes but cruel ones. So I didn't stay any longer. Here I am tying to entertain myself.

How does one find the fuel to go on in trying to pursue someone he/she likes? I am kind of running on empty tank here. I see a lot of beautiful ladies around but I just don't have the energy to go for it. Could it be THIS strong, the effects of my previous relationship? Is this my bad karma?

Still, I like it this way. We writers love to think we are all alone. We love to hurt a lot. We love to be broke. We love to think that nobody likes us. We're crazy. That's exactly why life goes crazy on us...I think.


We question ourselves...why why why. Here's a secret I learned. There is really no answer. It's called 'the circle of life'. We ask, then we go around till we face the back of our question, then we go at it again. We stupid.

Happy Valentine's Day peeps!:>

DeVille's Night

Through the eyes of people I am the evil amongst men. As though one look can describe the whole being of my body and soul. But it is the eye of the owner who will only see what the truth really is. In the depths of the skin and blood lies the tormented soul. A soul that will someday burst into flames from all the fiery it has succumbed in the years of unspeakable torture. With one glimpse it will release the fury of what has yet to be known as the evil amongst the devils. And by then, up will come rising a new being. Spawning into what wrath means in reality. Behold...for the time is near. You will suffer greatly. You'd regret not dying during those times of what you call difficult trials. You'd regret having been born even if it has never been you who wanted to be born in the first place. You will see.

A Magnetic World That Does The Damage

Ironic things in life makes us much more miserable than we already are. If not for this we would not have that...so on and so forth. What do I do, what do I do? I don't know.
Yes, we are smart enough to know that we don't have all the answers. Sometimes its healthier to be stupid. Oh I don't know. We just are.
Hush, hush now. Everything's gonna be alright, we assure ourselvcs. But that very moment we do, it is when we are most vulnerable by doubt.
Every now and then, I'd think and I plan and I try to reason with myself...next thing I know *poof* that chance of executing my so-called plan had passed me by. It would've been easy to let it sink in if it moved fast as a bullet, but noooooo. A turtle would've been faster. And all I did was watch.
Puff, puff...its the cigarette. I know it is. I've seen the way it glowed its fiery tip at me. It's angry. This murderous little sticks. You just cost me 30 bucks and you even steal away 2 minutes of my life. I think I love you already.
Its next to impossible to find somebody who will never make you cry...so do yourself a favor... get the next best thing...find someone who's worth all the pain!
Why are our superiors such terrorizing creatures? Its because they earned the right to do so. That doesn't mean hate them. HAAAAAAA-TE THEM!!! Because when you've learned something and you do replace them, it'd be your turn.
How clean are those? Nothing is clean. Wash it a million times, there's still the air filled with dust, fart, etc. But still, why do we eat in our plates?!?! STUPID. Yes, that's me being irrationally stupid. It feels good. To ask a non-sensical question and degrade myself with an answer.
Battle of the sexes? People, puh-leeez! Its the Y chromosomes brought up by the negativity of the atom. No, nope. No need to research on that one. Yes, its a made up sentence that, once again, has no meaning at all. Honestly, try it. Go ahead, say it. Those long and never-ending debates would instantly stop.
Power. A word so strong. Here's a line so powerful I just don't know why...To the left, to the left...and if she wasn't pointing at all I wouldnt have found her totally irresistable which makes her irreplacable. Beyonce, you're killing me. Please don't.

Lesson for today: Everything good, kills.

"Life is not the amount of breath you take, its the moments that take your breath away." - Will Smith in Hitch.

You Think!?

When the warmth is gon, the wind gives the gust of cold. Breathe the wind of life for these are one of the things you just don't have the choice to. Its that long talk with your dad about the birds and the bees. Its that irritable cousin of yours who thinks you a lot look alike. Its that aunt of yours and her big sloppy wet kisses. Yup, its the time for wishes you'll never get.

Why is life so playful? Of course it should be! Why can't it have fun, why? If it wasn't, the percentage of suicide related deaths would arise to the max. And boredom would be the culprit behind it all.

Why does everybody think they're more mysterious than they really are? Answer: because they aren't. And it feels good to know you are who you are not even if you know you are not. That's one game.

What's the moment? The moment of silence. Alone and trying hard to smile. You try to dance yourself into having fun. You start to float. But hey, there's no one around you to see. Just the empty four corners surrounding you. By now you are flying. Then it hits you hard...its just the weed. That's another.

Ever tried to kiss and ten percent along the way just as your noses brush past each, you stop. Then one of you says something dumb like "aren't you just glad we didn't do something stupid?" That's another game played on ya.

What do you do about it? Here's what I'd do. I'll fix myself a sandwich, open a huge bottle of ice cold coke, and watch a dvd (probably The Garden State or Elizabeth Town. these are my feel-good-at-bad-times movies.). If life plays you, play em back by not caring. Piss it off.

But then...I'd realize the bread has molds in it, my coke's been left open in the fridge for a long time so it tastes like water and sugar combined, and worst of all-- my dvd player's busted. Yes, that's one of em cruel payfulness.

Life is full of these deceptions. Turn the ocean yellow and flaming red. It becomes fire. Like Betty and Veronica, they really are of one person of different hair color. Let it be.

Congratulations. Your time's been officially wasted.

A Day In The Skies, A Night On The Seas

I know I have always been one to complain about how tired I am. How I very much needed a break. Well, last Decemeber, I did get my wish for being a good boy. My santa was a SHE though. But this is not about her. Thanks anyways.
A day before my flight for a 3 week vacation was the most agonizing wait of all. The excitement was way off the charts. Anxiety to what may be or what can be. It was the need for a change. Here's what I learned...sometimes the past is the refreshing new.
I made it through though . After two delays and a five hour wait in the airport, I finally boarded my time capsule that would take me back to the future.
As I sat beside the window overlooking the ocean that romanced with the sun's light, many things suddenly occured to me. It was my first journey alone, I have conquered my fear of heights, and I was relaxed. For so long now have I felt the feeling of calmness. So far so good. Oh, except for that embarassing time I found myself standing in line at the wrong terminal.
Like a blind man, I was trying to pat my way around. There was this weird feeling that I wished so much to be lost. To find myself in a very unfamiliar place. Because finding my way through would be an accomplishment after so much failure in life. It was a wish to boost my spirits.
I came to where I left off long ago. The place has changed but only for a bit. But by God, I didn't know that people would change a lot in just a matter of just two years apart.
From friends to strangers. I never thought would be unfamiliar effigies both physically and mentally. Worse, no hug not even a friendly gesture from somebody who was once a best friend. Just a pounding of show-boating an criticisms and a bag full of irritable (and snobbish) nods.
Of course some remained the same. A little maturity in them though. But it makes me think too. How much have I changed? Or how little have I? Was it from better to worse? Or the other way around? Maybe what one of my friends said (after a secret talk about it) was true. Maybe I "became kinder to notice how cruel" my so-called bestfriend was. FYI, we were the 'bullies'.:> People say stuff like "some things don't matter". Guess what, they all do. If you wanna feel good then it does matter. These people literally grew up with me. I never knew that the eighteen years being together would change in just two years being apart. Yes, that's how long we've been together.
Here's a greater side to my sojourn. Atleast my family didn't let me down. My brothers. Well, they are the reason for me to be proud. I used to be (atleast I loved to think)... tried to be... the older one. But because of the transformation, I felt I could finally act my age. They have matured into responsible adults as they were supposed to. Its been great having all the attention as the younger brother. No, I am not the youngest in the family. I am the middle. In my vacation though, I was. Parties being thrown solely for me, clubbing, getting drunk and all that. Everyday was a heart-warming welcome.
Now I am back again. Here I am stuck in my pad with nothing but my trusted pen and *sigh* bills, bills, bills. I am glad though. Too much would've been too good to be true. It would've been the bitterness of being too sweet. A two-day first class ship ride and then I am back again. Well, all things come to an end. Cheers to the beginning of the end to the beginning. Happy New Year! (No greeting's too late.)