For Your Eyes Only...

From the first time we met, there had been sparkle in her eyes. I loved to stare at it. But what I loved most was how it glared at me when I wasn't looking. It was her eyes.
I wanted to take things slow. Recovering from a break-up , I just knew that if I pushed thru without the patience, she'd somehow slip away. I really liked her. After a long time of recovering from a traumatic relationship, this has been the first to bring me back in the game.
So I introduced her to my friends, even though we were also just newly introduced to one another. My best friends. My right hand guy. This is so that she would feel comfortable hanging around with me coz it was a sure shot that she'd like my friends. From then on that's how everything changed.
Sensing a little competition between me and my trusted right hand guy, I tried to do everything I could to keep up with the game. Luck sure wasn't on my side. My right hand guy, whom I taught every trick in the book, was fast on a streak with almost everything. With every trick he pulls, I counter. the problem is most of them were counter-proof.
Still, there were the long stares of the shining pearl-like eyes. Sometimes, when everybody were busy chattering we would battle glares. She'd end it with a smile that could melt even the highest of them cold icebergs. It was the only security I needed to know that I was still there. That I mattered.
A night came just like any other. I couldn't wait to see her. The smoothness of her face, her smile, her grace, her glow...the sparkle of her eyes. It was her eyes.
There she was sitting alone. Her fingers clasped on each. Her legs crossed. A rose on her lap. her head bent. She looked up at me. There was no more sparkle. Beside her, my right hand guy sat. Placing a hand on her palm. A kiss.
She looked my way. A glitter on her eyes. As if a plea to make me take her. A revelation deep within those very eyes that told me I wasn't there when I was needed. A little too late and there was nothing else to do.
The ship had sailed...but what was worse, I was aboard it and I wasn't supposed to. In her eyes I'd always be. The ride's painful. Until now it goes forth to following the journey. I wish I could get-off. But it was her eyes. It was her eyes.

The Bohemian Dogma

Freedom, truth, love. These are some of what the "children of the revolution" stand for. A perfect way to live life. The prefect notion for a care-free world. Alas, only a few are given the guts to follow the path.
Why can't I skip and jump along this road? Why do I go thru with my days in appalling ways? The mere reasoning of which I can't afford to. But, ahhh, money. Its just what makes living difficult.
I can't afford to have freedom for my world is a prison. I am imprisoned to this tyranny of which I am both the prisoner and the warden. For everything I do, I get the blame for. Its like knowing that a quicksand lies in front of me but despite the consequence I take a further walk into its pits, taking with me not even my footsteps and coming to the bitter end.
I can't afford to be honest for the truth would destroy my only masterpiece...a pride so high that've been built in towers by blocks of lies. With it I gain my false honor. If it were a kingdom, I would be the king and if the truth were conquerors, from my throne I'd be descended with nothing but shame.
I can't afford to love for love is one that can't be bought.I can't afford to love for the payment of love would be my life. It would end spontaneity. If I'd live a world of nothing but dull days filled with no tantra, I'd rather be a monk in the temples of buddha for I would have then not known how much beauty lies in the hands of the mother-of-all-temptress...the world.
There are always options. But these options are not what matters. Its the matter of how one chooses. Its not always easy to make a choice. Actually it never is. Not even over coffee or tea. Why? Because only a few are given the chance. And what's worse is...alas, only a few are given the guts to follow the path.

Chasing Cars

A lot's been on my mind. I wish I could add "lately" to that. "Always" is more like it. If only I could wish for a tomorrow that would be stress-free. Even for just tomorrow. A day without my usual worries. But I can't. Coz even wishing is expensive nowadays.
So what do I do? I turn to my usual escapades. The movies, music, my writing. They are the only escapes that really works for me.
To make my day, for startes I watched Moulin Rouge for the nth time. I just love that movie. I don't know why I don't get sick of it. Maybe because it is what this world is really facing. Tragedy.
Next to my ever trusted pen. You can check my friendster blog for that piece.
Lastly, music. My greates escape to date. I am currently- and will be- listening to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars. Well, firstly I am completely hooked to Grey's Anatomy, and its where I first heard this song. I didn't know they still made such beautiful music nowadays. I mean I am a man of the past. Musically speaking that is. Only now have I truly admired a piece of art in the 21st century. Ha. Exaggeration. An skill I have yet to master.
Anyways, here's the words of the song...ladies and gentlemen, Chasing Cars by Snow Partol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
But they're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Spontaneity

Routine is what kills us, don't you think? Try to see yourself doing the same things over and over...and over and over again. Tsk tsk. Such a profane way to live life. I am not really sure if I said that correctly.
As you all know, I love movies that make sense. Well, sometimes even the ones that don't. But here's one that uniquely makes sense. Romantic in a way, and even tragic. I salute the makers of this wonderful film. "Before Sunrise". The only film I know that is of its kind. And amazingly the ONLY film I know that has so many lines that makes sense. Oh, how I envy the adventurous way of living of the two characters in it. Meeting in a train and decides to get-off together IN Venice where they got to know each other more and fell in love as their only night which was never supposed to be unfolded right at the moment. The next morning, bade farewell to each other promising a meeting after six months in the same station probably hoping that one wouldn't let go, leaving us with the question, "would one do?" Here are some excerpts that I love most...

Julia Delpy as Celine: "If your parents never really, fully contradict you about anything and are basically nice and supportive, it makes it even harder to officially complain even when they are wrong. It's this passive-aggressive shit. It's a process to rebel against everything that came before."

How true. I mean c'mon, don't you just feel good complaining about stuff? Being a radical is really what youth stands for. Why? Because we always want to try what we haven't gone thru which those who came before know exactly what'd happen. Without resistance there wouldn't be no balance. Do I make sense?

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "People have this romantic projection on everything. It's not based on any kind of reality."

It is how life is lived. Don't ask questions. Live it. That's the only way to know the real answer. Sooner or later you'd find out that the question really is the answer. What a disappointment it'd turn out after all. Its like an adolescent's fantasy when done watching porn. When the time come its there, it turns out to be such a nightmare. So sometimes its best its kept as a fantasy.

Julia Delpy as Celine: "Why does everybody think conflict is bad? There's a lot of good things that coming out of bad."

Indeed. Enough said.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I always think that if I can accept the fact that my life was supposed to be difficult, that's what's to be expected, then I might not be so pissed-off about it and I'd just be glad when something nice happens."

Don't everybody get that notion? Denial makes it harder for us to go through with our time. Here's an instance wherein I feel depressed...when I don't have money. And when I do get, I feel more depressed that it just ain't enough. Appreciation is lost because of denial.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I kind of see love as this escape for two people who don't know how to be alone. People always about how love is this totally unselfish giving thing. But if you think about it, there's nothing more selfish."

Its finally someone said it! Actually its been said on the summer of '94 as that was the time the movie was made. Anyways love is CRUEL! It is. I like being alone. Nothing wrong with it. You just happen to miss out on the biological need for an opposite sex to exist.

Ethan Hawke as Jesse: "I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way."

So do I, brother. So do I.

I actually have the sequel to the movie, "Before Sunset", which was made 9 years after the first one. I watched it already but now I want to focus on its lines. I can't wait to get home actually. So till then.

Brotherly Advices

Having a hard time to decide?
Life doesn't have crossroads. Its more like driving at fullspeed and suddenly you step on the brakes but by the time it is put on halt, you already have missed the only road to the right. Then you start to think. Should I turn back or should I go on. Either way leads to regrets. There always is the "I should've" or "I shouldn't have". What someone must do is make a decision fast. The longer you ponder, the harder to accept the results of which you've chosen. That's how life is and its choices are... and I'm afraid you don't have a choice.

Someone bothers you?
People always have something smart to say. That's why they have mouths. Let it in through your ears. That's way far from your heart. No need to let it sink there. That's another way to share a life with people and their alecky tongues.

Hindrances blocking you?
Walls are built. They don't stand in front of you by themselves. You've been cornered because you traced the path towards it. People build them. Probably you can go over it too...or more likely tear it down.

"What is your perspective about friends who just show up when life gives them lemons?"~ I'd buy them a dozen of apples I guess.
by: Ayman Tamano

Kid Stuff?!? No Way...

I don't get it. I just don't. I mean those stuff are really creepy. Totally not for kids. Nah, I won't have my future kids go and watch those kinda stuff.
I'm talkin about three movies by the way. Three children's movies that really freaked me out. Harry Potter, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, and...Alice In Wonderland.
Yes, you heard me right. I mean what kinda sicko would want an innocent child watch a movie about some man named Wonka who owns a prefectly freaky chocolate factory that has a terribly small door on the outside and a monstrously huge on the inside? That kinda stuff messes up an adult's mind, what more can it do to a child?
Okay so you might say that kids don't pay attention to those details. So how about the singing part on the train ride in the dark tunnel with the surroundings spinning and the camera focused on the extremely creepy emotionless face of Wonka? That's terror man! Still not enough? How about the freaky office then? The one with every stuff is in half? You gotta watch the movie to know what I am talkin about. As if it ain't freaky enough that it is an oldie movie. And all those stuff I am speaking literally.
Oh yeah...the Harry Potter. Right. Well, since the first of the four movies was released, I did get to watch it but a mystery lies about it 'coz strangely I fall asleep on the first 5 minutes of the movie. On it went, the curse, up to the fourth installment. I wish that "curse" stayed with me. Last night I did get to watch the first movie without falling asleep and I say...THAT movie was scary. Yes. Terrorizing even to the minds of the not-so-innocent. First on the line...that hideously large dude named Hagrid. He couldn't even knock on a door without breaking it. And he casts spells that would give you a tail. Uh-uh...freak. Oh and that ghost dude whose head hangs by a single thread of skin. It's just so brutal to let a character like that talk...AND HE'S A F***ing GHOST!!! Oh and before I forget...the humongous dog with three heads!!! What else...hmm...yeah the moving stairways are scary too...and the villains are always up to their task of terrorizing not only the good guys but even the viewers. CREEPY indeed. Definitely not for children below...say...30 years old.
You're all wondering why I included Alice in Wonderland right and not Beauty and the Beast or The Little Mermaid. Well...imagine yourself being lost in a dream-like world wherein everytime you cry, you grow big and I am talkin' BIG as in you drown in your own tears. Plus being chased down by a deck of armed playing cards ready to kill you anytime...running down a puzzle of tall hedges in a green garden...scary! Oh and finding in the middle of the forest a creepily-smiling dude having tea with a rabbit(?) and laughing at you when you ask directions for home. One more thing...as you've noticed I am a bit fond of doors...well, imagine you can't open a door to your freedom because the door knob talks! Ugh...I am all shudders. Doors, why do there have to be doors!?!Nah...no way I am letting my future kids watch that.NOOOO way. I suggest you do the same.

"Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground."
by: Francis Bacon

The Trespasser

They looked at me with accusing eyes. They seem to sense that I didn't belong there. I took a couple of steps forward, the door closing softly behind me. I looked around. The place was brightly lit. The air was filled with defeaning silence. I walked alley after alley, tall structures separating them. There were documents stored inside the structures.
I watched in amazement as a creature with four eyes pass by me. I raised my two fingers.
"I come in peace," I told 'it'. 'It' seemed offended and strode away, carrying four square objects.
I continued walking, surveying the area. In the end of the room was where the leader was. 'It' stood there with 'its' arms crossed in 'its' chest. 'It' kept its watchful eyes on me.
Where the hell is D.O.D.? I asked myself. I reached into my pocket for my phone.
I dialled D.O.D's number and waited for him to pik up.
"Yeah," he answered.
"Dude, you gotta see this!!!" I told him as I turned to look at the 'leader'. 'It' opened his eyes wide and seemed to sense a threat. Ready to pounce at me, 'it' pointed his finger at me in a commanding way. I tried not to panic. I raised my hand as I slowly put down the cellphone.
"Calm down," I repeatedly said under my breath. 'It' seemed to relax.
I ran towards the door. I had to get out of there. Whispers followed me behind.
Bright sun light hit my face as I got free from the place. I saw D.O.D waving at me from a distance. I ran to him. I couldn't wait to tell him what I just saw. He spoke before I could.
"What the hell are you doing in the library?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh," I scratched my head. "So THAT'S the library."

Soul Food

God I miss the food back home. When I say 'home', I mean Jeddah. I've been trying to find replacements or alternatives or whatever you might call it. Unfortunately there were none. Here are the irreplaceable yummies...I listed them from 15 to 1. Of course, like they say, save the best for the last.

15. Tamis Wa Ful: This has been the cheapest food for the tropa. Of course if its your first time to eat it, you won't like it. Its like a plain bread pizza. I am curious though, what is 'ful' made of?
14. Puck: Now this by far have been the creamiest cheese spread ever!!! When I was young I used to watch its advertisement on Channel 2, The Saudi Channel, and there a little girl plucks a white flower. For sometime I thought that cheese was taken from THAT flower.
13. Sugar Cane Juice: Ooof...add some milk and its the perfect mix! 2 riyals and you can get a medium cup size. Ladies and gentleman, size does matter. Cups here in the Philippines is twice smaller than those in Jeddah.
12. Mushakal: That colorful mix of fruit juice inside a see-thru cup. The smell and all are just breath-taking.
11. Fudge Bars: No I am not talking about the Fudgee Bar that they have here in the Philippines. This one is wrapped in a paper-like way and its colored black and orange. It's made of soft and not chewy caramel.
10. Ulker Chocolates: This is the perfect chocolates. 50 halala and you get a red box with small rectangular shaped chocolates. It tastes so...uhmmmm, it makes you wanna go...uhmmmm.
9. Yellow Rice: Oily and everything. Perfect for me...perfect for everyone. I can finish a whole 5 riyals worth of this one. 5 riyals is good for 3 people I think...or more.
8. Mi Goreng: I know, I know. This one's an Indonesian product but still we eat it in Jeddah. Lucky Me Pancit Canton can't compare to this one.
7. Shish Kebab: Did I spell that correctly? I can't seem to remember. Anyway, 10 or 15 riyals I think and you can get a container filled with Biryani rice and a coupla kebabs. Oof I love their tahina!
6. Target Corned Beef: Perfectly grinded pure beef meet. Unlike those of the corned-beefs here in the Philippines, this one is just smooth. I hate chunks and shredded ones like those in here.
5. Halawa: That white treat inside a white round container. This one is filled with pistaccio nuts. I don't know what its made of.
4. Mirinda Citrus: Why don't they have this one here? Actually this softdrink doesn't quench your thirst. It makes it worse. One can seem not enough.
3. Al-Tazaj: Chicken. The chicken and its bread...and the tahina. Oooof. It comes in a styro plate. I miss that too. Its juicy lemony taste. FUUUCKK!!!
2. Grilled and Ikot-Ikot Chicken: Wallahi hadha marrrrrrrrrra quwais!!!Ei what that red sauce made of? Of course tomato, duh! What else?
1. Al-Baik: Smack smack. 10 riyals you get a half chicken, perfectly fried, french fries soft, burger buns and bottomless orders of garlic sauce. I'm not talking about any fried chicken and garlic sauce...this is THE fried chicken and garlic sauce. Sniff, sniff....I wanna go home.

There's more but this is all I can remember as of know. God, I'm hungry...till then peeps. Gotta eat.

Been There, Done That...and Still At It

After what have been months of drought, yesterday I finally got to enjoy another night out with my friends back from Jeddah with the now-not-so-usual bar hopping. Shots of Cuervo Tequila and beer, last night was a blast. It was Ely's first time here in Cagayan and we had to show him around. Started at some club called Frostway to Ralf's to Club Mojo to Macumba to Club Ghanna. Of course we had to drag a coupla asses for drinking too much.

I watched the kids enjoying the night as it slowly struck me that I was the eldest among the group. All of 'em were my juniors. I was hit with the question " why is it that its either I am ahead of my time or behind it?" I didn't know why. I can't seem to find a group where I truly belong. And it sucks to think that I can't find anyone I could relate so well with. Sucks big time.

So the night went on with them drinking beer as if it were a softdrinks. Ladies and gentlemen, beer truly tastes bad. Very bad. That's a fact. Yet I was there pretending to like it...don't get me wrong I love beer, but we have to accept that it doesn't taste good. Ugh, a coupla times I felt like throwing up but my ego wouldn't allow that. So I go on with the fake enthusiasm of getting pissed-drunk. Hey, I did enjoy it anyways.

There's another thing that I learned just last night. I was all along a bad dancer. Don't know why but I used to do breakdancing back in high school. What happened? I guess it was because of the change of fashion. Well, I guess I just couldn't have both...be fashionable in a sense that is acceptable for me (the very least) and do the ol' creep walk and headspins. Tsk tsk...too bad ei.

But then...still my communication skills were enough to get me through with women. While they were dancing and I was hopping like a monkey-bunny, I caught a hot chick watchin' me from a distance. And because my younger collegues had their own partners, I just had to have my own. I did approach her and got both a name and a good conversation. It was all I needed to complete the night.

Back to the kids...I remember when I used to have the same excitement when it comes to gimmicks. How I wish I still have. I have just proven to myself that we need to grow up at some certain point in life. It doesn't consider the age. As long as it is within the limit if what we call "youth". For your info, youth is only up to 30 years old. Here in the Philippines that is. Growing up doesn't have to happen so soon. Its all up to you when you'd do so. Most of the time it just happens. Lesson learned: Enjoy while still young.

What am I doing right now? Hehe...well, I am waiting for a friend's phone call coz we are ,again, going out to party. Its gonna be a little less of what and how last night was but then...I'll still enjoy it I guess. Till then.

Our Greatest Fear

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine,we consciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

"Why The World Doesn't Need Superman"

After the much awaited return of the 'Man of Steel', movie goers are left satisfied with the caped crusader's comeback. But then, some are still going at it with the criticisms. Why? Because if it weren't for the good looks of Adnan Tamano...oh sorry... Brandon Routh I mean, the movie would be useless. Yeah, the action scenes were good enough but still cannot be compared to that of Spiderman and X-Men. Just like Batman, Superman was half of what I expected them to be. But hey, at least they have a lot more to offer. Unlike that new 007 James Bond. Ooof...talk about ugly ass for a Brit. Anyways back to Superman.

Lois Lane wrote about 'why the world doesn't need superman' unfortunately we weren't able to get a glimpse of what the article contains. Like the line said..."Hell has no fury like a woman scorned," I bet she wrote nasty stuff. So here are my guesses of what won it a Pulitzer Prize.

1. The world doesn't need anymore "blue fairies" doing ballet in the air.
2. "That tv series 'Smallville' ruined it all for us," as my sister Ness said.
3. For sure many will imitate Superman's hair. Ugh the bangs! That kinda hair is made EXCLUSIVELY for Superman.
4. He'll die...AGAIN. Comeback to life...AGAIN. Disappear...AGAIN. Reappear...AGAIN.
5. The world ain't stupid enough to realize that Clark Kent and Superman are one. In the comic book, Lois Lane ended up marrying Clark Kent never knowing that he is the "blue fairy".

I've got a coupla questions that seemed to haunt my mind lately after watching the movie. Every night I wake up screaming at night trying to figure out the answers. Other times I catch myself talking to myself especially when I am alone. Someone's gotta help me...! First questtion...Clark Kent doesn't change to the Superman costume. He wears them under his normal clothes. But how about those red boots?!?! Second question...for the makers of Superman Returns...what the FUCK happend to the PHONE BOOTH!?!

My Life + Music = 1

I love listening to music. Why? Because it is one of my greatest escapes when I feel something so terribly that I wanna put it in action. Get my point? Well here are some songs my life and feelings relate so well with.

First in my playlist is Twista's 'Hope' featuring Faith Evans. Twista raps about life in the 'hood' and how he'd "he could get out of it". Somehow I base my life living in the streets that he speaks of. Filled with tragedies, desperation, failure...and hope. Like Faith Evans says in her part..."I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today, Take this music and use it Let it take you away, And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way I know it ain't easy but that's okay. Let's be hopeful!"

"He'll" make a way. They say.

I've been listening to rap songs and of course I would have to include Tupac Shakur's 'Changes'. The king of gangsta rap speaks of changes this time. Discrimination is always the deal. I base my life on his song as a Muslim. Him being discrimnated for the color of his skin while I, being discriminated for my religion. Because I am a Muslim, I am not given the same opportunities as those of the different for I am 'branded'. Why can't we be one? Every morning I wake up and hope for a change but "some things will never change."

"That's" just the way it is. He says.

Love this time. Hehe. For what I feel now, I wanna include Tal Bachman's 'She's So High'. Sometimes you see 'THE PERSON". The real-est as one could be. But then you "know where you belong, and (because of that) nothing's gonna happen. Co'z she's so high." Ugh. Cheesy aye? Hehe. Okay I'll make that one short.

"What could a guy like me can really offer?" He asks.

One of the songs I just can't stop listening to is Enigma's 'Return to Innocence'. Why should we care what others think. Let's just do what we want to do, what we need to do, what we hafta do. "If you want then start to laugh, and if you must then start to cry. Don't care what people think just follow your own ways. That is the return to innocence."

"Be yourself don't hide." They say.

I'm actually a great fan of the likes of Madonna and Michael Jackson that's why I gotta include their songs, 'Music' and 'Man In The Mirror'. Well, for Madonna's she implies that music makes those person who listens to it. "(It) makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel."

"Music makes the people come together." She says.

For Michael's Man In The Mirror, like Tupac, he wants change. I mean who doesn't? Right? And to make that happen 'he' would start with the "man in the mirror."

"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change." He or she says. I still ain't sure what Michael is.:> But ei...much respect to 'him'.

For now, these are my songs. So I'll then again leave you with this. Till then. Be cool.

The Beginning

Okay. I don't know why I created one of these. I was just curious how it works here so I'll leave you guys with this for the meantime. Till then. Be cool.