Cigarettes for Candles

There was not a single moment that I could remember wherein I haven't complained. I have always done and will probably continue to do so. For a change, in this entry I will not.

Most people I know dread the coming birthdays in their lives. I am one of them. But its not the issue of age that get me down. I miss being a child but I love being an adult too. I dread my birthdays because of the way things are going. Things that were projected to be a part of the accomplishments by that certain age are not met. The realization that I am trailing far behind the rest of the people I know who are my age kills me. To even think that I can and I am very capable of achieving everything that they have accomplished adds to that punishment. The worst amongst the worse is knowing that I am still far behind. They have been running all the way and I feel like a cardiac patient taking medically supervised walks. That makes a birthday a killer for me.

I am not complaining though. This is a reflection. I am taking this time to try to assess my capabilities one more time. This is a moment for me to see where I have gone wrong and figure out which to tweak, to change for the better. There have already been a few and I have seen the effects on my life. New friends, new lifestyle, new personality...new inspiration. All contributed to the much needed change in my life to push me even harder for that progress I have long been trying to succeed in having. I might be moving slow, but at least I am moving. That's what I haven't been seeing which they changed.

By now I have accepted that people do come and go. Some may remember but most forget. It the way of life. You have to keep affecting theirs to be constantly remembered. Maybe they forgot because in the first place, I forgot...i realize that now. I am very thankful though for the many that forgot because they have in some way touched my life and I am extra thankful for all those who have kept me in their minds for so long now because they continue to be a part of every day existence.

Birthdays are still a killer for me, but for a moment though, it makes me feel loved. It gives me that little boost, an extra fuel in an empty tank, a little push for something better. Like cigarettes, it makes you feel good and bad all at the same time.

May 4, 2010. The birthday where I had no cake, no presents. But I was loved.