Horrors of Being in a Relationship

It has been so long that I haven't been in a relationship. It was not that I couldn't get into a committment. I just didn't want to. But then I guess I've lost the reason as to why I refused to. And now that I am in one, I found that reason again. Its because I can never trust anyone except for myself. That's not the single reason but I think that's the biggest reason. I am a person who is always paranoid. I am one of those who think that man by nature is evil...that everybody's out to get you and strip you off of every clinging self-respect.

In the first part of a relationship, everybody's sure that everything will work out just the way they've pictured. They know this because they feel it. Then a month goes by, and then another...and their perspective of everything seem to change. Faults are found, imperfections are judged and worse hatred grows. And that feeling of being sure will fade into just a feeling once felt.

Between the beginning and the end, both tries to make things work. Promising and assuring each self that whatever's happening, the changes-- are all trials of a relationship. Though they try...the headache will always catch up and prove to be too overwhelming. Finding a reason, a way out will become priority number one. This is known as the graceful exit.

The last part of a relationship will become a complete silence. Both will stop reaching out to the other. The silence is the white flag...the surrender. Both will depend on the other for the next move. One will act out the break-up, the other will agree. Out of politeness, each will accept the blame even if the truth is they both blame each other. Often times a promise will say that they'd remain good friends...but one out of ten will stay true to their words. Most become strangers and nothing but familiar faces in memories-- and the rest...just part of history.

This was the usual routine for me. In every relationship I've been in, this was the story. Though its kind of happening now, I don't want to accept the fact that it is happening all over again. I refuse the similarity of the situation. Not because I'm trying to be a fool but because maybe it doesn't always have to work that way.

This relationship was built on a very different foundation. This is an actual relationship. For once I am hoping that we would surpass the four month mark. Four months being the longest I've been in a relationship. Everything in this relationship is changing me. Everything she is IS different from the usual. Maybe I am not trying to convince anyone...anyone except me. Maybe I am trying to reassure myself that all the difficulties that this relationship brings is worth going thru. That's what makes it different. In all the other relationships I've been, not one did I try defending from myself and my usual notion. SO...I guess its worth it all... I hope.