Blast from the Past

Eight years later and five years from my last post, I find myself travelling back in time by reading my older entries. I can't help but do an epic facepalm.

To be young... and stupid!

Women...

You really made me feel like shit today. Thank you.

Thank you not because I loved it, ...that sickening feeling inside the gut..., but because I know somewhere inside that head of yours, you think this is the right thing to do.

And now, here is your justification, a chance to make you feel better about what you've done. This is not me sacrificing my own happiness... this is not martyrdom as some might say it is...

This is me telling you that I'm holding regrets, on my part that is. I'm praising myself for what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I'll keep doing.

Do you have the same in you?

Cigarettes for Candles

There was not a single moment that I could remember wherein I haven't complained. I have always done and will probably continue to do so. For a change, in this entry I will not.

Most people I know dread the coming birthdays in their lives. I am one of them. But its not the issue of age that get me down. I miss being a child but I love being an adult too. I dread my birthdays because of the way things are going. Things that were projected to be a part of the accomplishments by that certain age are not met. The realization that I am trailing far behind the rest of the people I know who are my age kills me. To even think that I can and I am very capable of achieving everything that they have accomplished adds to that punishment. The worst amongst the worse is knowing that I am still far behind. They have been running all the way and I feel like a cardiac patient taking medically supervised walks. That makes a birthday a killer for me.

I am not complaining though. This is a reflection. I am taking this time to try to assess my capabilities one more time. This is a moment for me to see where I have gone wrong and figure out which to tweak, to change for the better. There have already been a few and I have seen the effects on my life. New friends, new lifestyle, new personality...new inspiration. All contributed to the much needed change in my life to push me even harder for that progress I have long been trying to succeed in having. I might be moving slow, but at least I am moving. That's what I haven't been seeing which they changed.

By now I have accepted that people do come and go. Some may remember but most forget. It the way of life. You have to keep affecting theirs to be constantly remembered. Maybe they forgot because in the first place, I forgot...i realize that now. I am very thankful though for the many that forgot because they have in some way touched my life and I am extra thankful for all those who have kept me in their minds for so long now because they continue to be a part of every day existence.

Birthdays are still a killer for me, but for a moment though, it makes me feel loved. It gives me that little boost, an extra fuel in an empty tank, a little push for something better. Like cigarettes, it makes you feel good and bad all at the same time.

May 4, 2010. The birthday where I had no cake, no presents. But I was loved.

Horrors of Being in a Relationship

It has been so long that I haven't been in a relationship. It was not that I couldn't get into a committment. I just didn't want to. But then I guess I've lost the reason as to why I refused to. And now that I am in one, I found that reason again. Its because I can never trust anyone except for myself. That's not the single reason but I think that's the biggest reason. I am a person who is always paranoid. I am one of those who think that man by nature is evil...that everybody's out to get you and strip you off of every clinging self-respect.

In the first part of a relationship, everybody's sure that everything will work out just the way they've pictured. They know this because they feel it. Then a month goes by, and then another...and their perspective of everything seem to change. Faults are found, imperfections are judged and worse hatred grows. And that feeling of being sure will fade into just a feeling once felt.

Between the beginning and the end, both tries to make things work. Promising and assuring each self that whatever's happening, the changes-- are all trials of a relationship. Though they try...the headache will always catch up and prove to be too overwhelming. Finding a reason, a way out will become priority number one. This is known as the graceful exit.

The last part of a relationship will become a complete silence. Both will stop reaching out to the other. The silence is the white flag...the surrender. Both will depend on the other for the next move. One will act out the break-up, the other will agree. Out of politeness, each will accept the blame even if the truth is they both blame each other. Often times a promise will say that they'd remain good friends...but one out of ten will stay true to their words. Most become strangers and nothing but familiar faces in memories-- and the rest...just part of history.

This was the usual routine for me. In every relationship I've been in, this was the story. Though its kind of happening now, I don't want to accept the fact that it is happening all over again. I refuse the similarity of the situation. Not because I'm trying to be a fool but because maybe it doesn't always have to work that way.

This relationship was built on a very different foundation. This is an actual relationship. For once I am hoping that we would surpass the four month mark. Four months being the longest I've been in a relationship. Everything in this relationship is changing me. Everything she is IS different from the usual. Maybe I am not trying to convince anyone...anyone except me. Maybe I am trying to reassure myself that all the difficulties that this relationship brings is worth going thru. That's what makes it different. In all the other relationships I've been, not one did I try defending from myself and my usual notion. SO...I guess its worth it all... I hope.

I rarely write nowadays. Maybe its because I now speak... and at least someone does listen. I miss writing.

Learning Again

The power of the mind is something which we all don't take seriously. Its one of the things we feel as if should be treated like those quotes sent to us through text messages. Ignore and delete, or read for the sake that someone important to us sent it but refuse to let the message sink in. Like everything else in the world that's in its place, its sad to say...that's just the way it is.

We wonder...why and how is it that when good things happen, they come in great number, all at the same time. Its the state we are in my friends. In our minds we are happy, so we find joy in everything no matter how small. Our mind control the events that unfold before us. Happiness equates to happiness if we put our mind into it.

This is not a contradiction to my previous posts about life's miseries. This is a simple acceptance of a newly learnt truth. Within darkness, are shining colors in hiding. Look and you'll find. Search and you'll discover. Its the continuous cycle of life. Though it may go in circles, its a situation we shouldn't fear. Eventually we'll regain things we lost. Be consoled. There is solace everywhere.

Happy New Year to everyone. Set your mind into having a great one... but keep complaining.:D

In Today's News...

I'm so sick and tired of getting bad news. I so often get them that I think its the only news I'll ever be getting for the rest of my life. The worst part of it is, I can't seem to get used to it. To be plagued by nothing but terrible, unbearable, painful, intolerable news...feels like I have never gone through the same lows. EVERY FREAKING TIME. Effin' news!

And I don't mean the NEWS news. I meant it as the result of something , a report of a recent event, the turning point of an action....whatever!

I can't play basketball anymore because it turns out, what was once just a temporary knee injury was actually a permanent ailment that I wouldn't never be able to get rid of. And that sucks. Its sucks to know that this leaves my slot in the roster of the team I'm playing for, up-for-grabs for next year's tournament. I will be Ross Gellar, the FRIEND who claimed to have given up a career in the game. I am too young to be a has-been.

People often ask the question, "can you see yourself ten years from now?" No matter how hard I've tried, before, I just couldn't. Now I'm finally able to. But what sucks is...I see myself as a thirty year old with a limp, a forty year old who shakes with every step, a fifty year old uncle who'd be full of anger for all the unfair things that life was so kind of to share. Never the good stuff... never the good stuff.

I'm becoming the Grinch...the Scrooge. BAH HAMBUG!

A family member, one who used to be the only person who knew me more than I knew myself, was startled to find out that I no longer am that person she knew. And she wondered why. I, too, myself. Its a mystery that people's expectations of you can be similar to your own... and to have to wonder both yourselves what happened, is another too. I am a snake...I shed my skin once every now and then to reveal my another me.

She thinks I have to see a shrink. I think I do too. But I already know I'm suffering from bipolar disorder. So why do I need a shrink to tell me I am extreme in almost everything?

With all these news...I am exhausted almost everyday. No matter how much I rest, I still feel exhausted. I no longer function properly. I am broken, send me to a repair shop.

...But exhaustion is good. I once read that exhaustion brings one closer to death. Maybe that would be a change. With all the bad news, that might actually be the good one.

I hate summer.

I know its winter...

But summer found me again.